"To pursue a redeemed life of intellect: the how and why" UC Statement Prompt1

This (hopefully!) is nearly my final version.
Any feedback will be eternally appreciated!

"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Just to note, the UC Admissions have made it clear that they do not want any creative writing, whatsoever, and the Personal Statement is NOT an essay; rather, it is to give context for the application and help the school get to know you. "Be reflective, open, and persuasive. Use concrete examples," they instruct on the UC webpage.

'Hearts Adaptive Riding Program' (for special needs riders) 'Mr. Borden' and 'Rosewood' (a residential program for eating disorders) are all explained in the Application's Additional Comments section.

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From early adolescence, I refuted the lull of the mainstream to seek a deeper education and diversified intellect, furthering a future devoted to understanding the human mind and utilizing literary expression.

Though my earliest memories I recall a deep level of introspection, it was not until the age of fourteen I began my self-aware development and hunt for identity. Following the shock of my own psychosis grew an innate intrigue for the complexities of the human mind, and my steadfast passion intimately rooted. In the fall of my sophomore year, I indulged in my intrinsic curiosity as a volunteer at Hearts Adaptive Riding Program, astounded and thrilled with my interactions and work with the riders; I came their uncommonly brilliant minds, astonished by the impossible kindness of so stigmatized a demographic. Throughout the following years I accepted the role as babysitter to Christina, a two-year-younger disabled sister of a former classmate. While both rewards greatly profited my future, the priceless value of experience and insight into the intricacies of a handicapped mind far outweighed the monetary compensation. Christina showed me the capacious human spectrum stretching from unconditional love to immediate acrimony, though more particularly fired my fascination with disabled psychology.

I cherished these relationships and my empirical scholarship, yet have found a greater passion and personal significance in the mentally ill; specifically resultant from my years of therapy in coincidence with psychology courses. I began therapy in ignorance and without intention; I entered the sessions dismissing them as useless conversation while I danced around my closely-guarded roots of insecurity and self-hate. Painful as it was, I ultimately began to slowly submit to my toxic issues, thus investigating my mental processes, tendencies, distortions, and the pathology of my downfall. With health came not only my re-fed cognitive function but also an ingrown inspiration to switch client-therapist lenses; after a major surpassing of my inhibitions, I now aspire to study and someday serve the same clinical psychotherapy that I received. My own pivotal psychotherapy work as patient continues to support my well-being and development as an ambitious individual, and I hope in rewarding profession to do at least this much for others.

I have since matriculated to absolute fulfillment in three psychology courses, where I interweave my heuristic experience and theoretical education. Yet my imaginative and expressive nature is fulfilled through my second passion of literature and composition, a study and art I pursue with the same zeal. Indeed, I was not always so competent a writer; in fact, I nearly scoff in retrospect at my freshman compositions. Thus I was surprisedly delighted when the English department chair and thirty-two-year faculty member, Mr. Borden discreetly summoned me to meet at lunch in response to my first essay of the year. His praise that afternoon extended to both my mother and school counselor, but most importantly drove my newfound literary ambition and began his nonpareil mentorship. Both his acclaim and my writing flourished throughout the year, even through daily letters and journals whilst subdued at Rosewood. Today I embrace and indulge in my talent regularly, particularly releasing memories, pains, confusions, and playfully expressing the otherwise trapped of my thoughts through my Creative Writing course at the City College.

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Wreak your critique, I'm all ears.!
Thank you.

i love the essay. you covered both points of the essay. you might want to talk a little more about the why? part.

Hi Michelle, I just clicked over to your essay because I wanted to try to help you after I saw the great help you gave someone else -- when you mentioned the importance of giving no-nonsense, concrete explanations in the SOP. That was some great advice.


This makes me ask, "Using lit expression for what?'
How about this:
From early adolescence, I refuted rejected the lull of the mainstream in favor of seeking a deeper education and diversified intellect -- utilizing literary expression and psychology to understand the human mind.

And I feel that this intro needs another sentence to plainly state what you are all about. What is the key word or term that expresses your THEME for this academic venture?

You are missing a word here, I think, but actually I would like to just simplify...
My own pivotal psychotherapy work as patient continues to support my well-being and development as an ambitious individual, and I hope in rewarding profession to do at least this much for others.

Anyway, I can't offer much help because it is already so well written!

Thank you, Kevin, very very much.

I truly appreciate your astute advice - certainly touching on my (formerly intangible) revising hang-ups. I can be quite wordy, which gets my point muddled, vague and unclear.

Again, thanks a million, I'm very grateful.

Also, i think you're an amazing writer. do you have a private email address where I can share my essay with you? I need help :(