could anyone help me correct or give me some advise or is there something needed to be add on my my study plan? i will appreciate all the comment n i rlly need your help..:') thank you so muchh
here my study plan:
My Name is Laura Iphigenia, I was born on 11th of may, 1996. The purpose of this letter is to apply for a study permit for a period of 53 weeks to enable me to pursue a Diploma of Leadership and Management course in Canterbury Technical Institute, Australia.
Indonesian education system or learning method and a way of thinking have a huge different from developed countries education system which is bigger and qualified. Therefore, I now intend to study overseas what have been my biggest dream for a very long time to get better education. Study overseas assist me being more independent and being mature as I will be living alone without my parent. I can also gain the experience of study overseas, learn a new culture, meet a new people and learn through social interaction among meeting diversity of countries.
The scale of the Australia education export market is well above what might be expected when considering the size of population and economic. Australia is the third most popular destination for international student behind the United States and The United Kingdom, attracting nearly seven per cent of the world's international student. Each year, around 300 thousand international student commence study in Australia, the majority of which are enroll in higher education. The economic footprint of international student, however, is much larger than just fees they pay. They generate significant benefits including job creation and increased tourism and are a key source of migration that can help address skill shortages as well as contribute to Australia's long term economic prosperity. international student contribute strongly to the economy of Australia. Since the government takes special interest in regulating the education sector, and the presence of many university in Australia in the top of the world rankings speaks highly of the government effort to get student to study in Australia. That is more than enough for me to select Australia as a destination for study because even if a particular university is not ranked among the world's best, there is a guarantee that it would strive to do so and never compromise on the quality of education.
Following this, I will take Diploma of Leadership and Management in Canterbury Technical Institute. Reason why I select this institute and major:
Firstly, It is located in Brisbane which the cost of living and the tuition fee are noticeably lower compared to other Australian capital cities. Thereby it is very helpful for me who was looking for an affordable place to study. Canterbury Technical Institute also had a perfect location in the center of Brisbane CBD ( Center Business District).
Secondly, Canterbury Technical Institute providing qualified academic teacher with industry experience which for me was very important.
Thirdly, I was given the responsibility to continue our family business since my parent need some successor in the hope to carry out the duty of running the business that they already built. Therefore, taking Leadership and management program assist me to gain the basic knowledge, practical skill and experience in leadership and management. Moreover, I can get to learn strategies that effective leader used to communicate effectively, learn how to built relationships, solve problems and make decision in the hope what I have learned can be apply in our family business.
My parent extremely support me to study in Australia, and they will covered all of my expenses during my study in Australia. I am so glad and thankful to have my parent who always give me the best to gain a bright future. I will treasure this opportunities and I will be hardworking during my study to obtain valuable basis. After I finished my study in Canterbury Technical Institute, I will come back to Indonesia without hesitation and put all the principles I have got into practice both helping on my family business or starting my own enterprise use the finance knowledge that I have learned from Australia.
Hi Laura, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses with hope that you can revise this essay in a better way. It will be described in the descriptions below.
1st paragraph:
- My Name is Laura Iphigenia, ..................................Canterbury Technical Institute, Australia.(I think that this is not necessary at all because you have introduced yourself in other parts of the application. Mentioning your name will be redundant. You need to remember that introduction paragraph is the most essential part to impress the selection committee.)
2nd paragraph:
- Indonesian education system or learning method and a way of thinking have a huge different from developed countries education system which is bigger and qualified. (you can simplify this sentence, quite confusing) How about this:
- There is a huge gap between Indonesian education system and developed countries education system. In developed countries, their education systems have a better quality than Indonesia.
- Therefore, I now intendhave a tendency to study overseas whatsince ithavehas been my biggest dream for a very long timein order to get better education.
- Studying overseas assist me beingmakes me become more independent and being mature due to the experience that I possibly get by studying overseas.(I took some parts of the next sentence and combine it here)asI will be living alone without my parent.(this is redundant. everyone knows that studying overseas means you are alone without your parents)
- Australia is the third most popular destination ........................ in higher education. (I have no idea why did you mention this fact but I think it didn't relate to your study plan at all.)
- International student contribute.. (capitalization)
3rd paragraph:
- There are three main reasons why I select this institute and major:
- Thereby, (comma needed) it is very helpful for me who was looking for...
- ..the centercentre of Brisbane CBD (CenterCentre Business District). (I think you should also get used to British English because you're going to study in Australia)
- learn how to builtbuild relationships
4th paragraph:
- My parent extremely supportS me to study in Australia, and they will covered all of my expenses during my study in Australia.
- I am so glad and thankful to have mya parent who always gives me the best...
Hi Laura, below are additional remarks for your essay. I focused on the last paragraph of the essay as I believe this is where you need more enhancement.
Final paragraph
- My parents extremely support
- memy decision to study in Australia,( if the word "and" you don't have to add a comma )
- and they will covered all of my expenses during
- my studystay in Australia.
- my parents who always give
- me the best to gainguidance towards a brighter future.
- I will be hard working hard during my study
- to obtain valuable basisacceptable if not higher grades .
- AfterSoon after I finished my study
- come backreturn to Indonesia
- without hesitation( this phrase is not necessary ) and put all the principles
- I have got into practice in both helping on my family's business
- or starting my own enterprise useusing the
- financefinancial knowledge
There you have it Laura, I hope the above corrections are valuable towards your revision.
For future writing reference, focus on your sentence construction, make sure that they represent your idea well enough in order for your essay to impart the views you want your readers to know.
hi ichan thank u so much for the help, God bless U😊 i will revise mine asap..
actually, there is some point that they want me to write in.
- who is your sponsor (i have write it on the last paragraph )and what is your sponsor jobs?
my parents is enterpreneur and we have some stored
i dont know how to connect it with the last paragraph and how to write this point into sentence. i feel lost.. cant thinking anything
could u give me some advised ?
and thank a lot for the help.. i rrly appreciate it ğŸ˜
hi justivy03 thank you so much for the help.. i really appreciate it.. i will revise mine using your advised as soon as possible.. thanks a lot ;)
Hi Laura, we are always glad to help you out in your essay and it's good to know that you appreciate the little help that we contribute.
What I noticed as well in your essay, is the fact that, you have the ideas in your head but you are having a hard time expressing it in the essay, especially as it is in the English language, what I suggest for you to do is to keep practicing, speaking and reading in English, daily use of the language will definitely help you in your future writing. Reading English material, books, magazines and any literature will also increase your vocabulary and this is very crucial in your future writing projects.
Now, when it come to your concern on the additional points of the essay, below are my suggestions.
As they are entrepreneurs by nature, my parents always have my back, they support me with all my future endeavors...
Also, the corrections I made, are focused on the last paragraph, I believe this is where you need the most changes or modification in your essay. I hope this helps in your revision.
