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UC(#2) "Pushed Over the Edge"

Nov 28, 2008   #1
This may be the final draft for my admission essay, can someone please give insight, correct grammar errors please. Thank You in Advance!

Pushed Over the Edge
"When you grow up, you going to be a doctor, a DOCTOR!"
Even before I had the chance choose a career, my path has already been pre-determined by my mother. Her incessant pleas however, were finally put to silence when I visited Yosemite National Park for the first time in my life.

"Ready, Set, Fight!" My arms tense and palms moist, I quickly struck the controller at full force. I had been playing on my Super-Nintendo that entire morning. My mom walks into the living room, calling out my name but I was so fixated on the game, I reluctantly answered. Before I had the chance to, she plants herself in front of the television and imposed her authority over me. She told me that I had to get dress because we were heading to Yosemite National Park. I despise the idea of leaving the comfort of my home to a place that I have never been to or even heard of. I prefer the familiarity of my surroundings and as a result I protest against this atrocity, however; my mom begs to differ. She claims the park has a "spectacular view that will be life-changing." Believing that she was merely reading that off the brochure, I strongly doubt her and with little that I could do, headed toward my room to change.

As we got closer to the park, the lights from the city slowly began to fade and the pure essence of nature appeared. The park ranger guides us to many different places; one site in particular that I find very enticing is the Bridal Veils Waterfall, a 620 foot drop that is magnificent in both size and view. Amidst the constant pounding of the waters violently onto the rocks, I felt a sense of warm that engulfed my entire body. My mind was bewildered at the marvelous view. The unbelievable sight quickly destroyed any skepticism I had about the trip. This experience was beyond comparison to anything I have ever felt. It had provided me with a different perspective on life. I have accepted the situation, understood what I have come to learn and used that experience to further impact my life. The path that I am destined to take is no longer of importance to me but rather the amount of growth I can acquire on that path. During this trip to Yosemite National Park, my outlook has matured and I as well.

Sadly, the week came to an abrupt end as I was already heading back home. The trip was definitely "life-changing" as my mom had said it would be. As we approached our apartment complex, what was once very spacious, was now microscopic compared to the things I saw that day. I glanced over at where the Super-Nintendo had been, remembering the countless hours spent playing games, but now the only violent things I saw were the crashing of the waterfalls. I felt confined in the walls around me and I desired to be outside. I was then aware that my preference had completely changed. I was astonished by the experience and the effects it had on me. The optimistic side of life became very clear; I saw the variety of possibilities in the future and I truly feel that I can overcome anything.

There is always a sense of joy whenever I reminisce about the trip to Yosemite National Park. I hope to come back one day and experience the same breakthroughs that have greatly impacted my life. As for my mom, she no longer wants me to be a doctor but...

"When you grow up, make LOTS and LOTS of money!"

EF_KevinThreads: 8
Posts: 13,840
[Contributor] 129  
Nov 29, 2008   #2
Hello, the biggest problem this essay has is keeping the verb tense consistent. I also fixed this sentence:

My mom walks into the living room, calling out my name but I was so fixated on the game, I reluctantly answered.

Change it to: My mom walks into the living room calling out my name, but I am so fixated on the game that it takes me several moments to respond.

You also need to keep the verb tense consistent. Go through this and bring it all into present tense, like this:

As we get closer to the park, the lights from the city slowly begin to fade and the pure essence of nature appears.

These are beautiful sentences. Now, just keep the tense consistent. Near the end, you can switch from the story to reflection, and maybe then you will want to write in the past tense, but generally you should keep the tense consistent. If you have trouble bringing it all into the present tense, bring it all into the past tense: My mom walked into the living room...

Good luck!!


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