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"pushing my legs to run" - Common App - Short Answer


supermodella 4 / 13  
Sep 25, 2009   #1
I did Spring Track for a while but I lost a means of getting home afterward, so I had to stop, but I always enjoyed doing it. I hope it's fine for me to write about it. :] I tend to write essays and they end up sounding like a story unless it's about a specific topic or history or anything like that, so please critique it and also tell me whether that's a habit I need to break or not. :/ Thank you!

It was extremely hot and my heart was racing, but I couldn't stop then. The bend was coming and I could see a girl beginning to push ahead of me through my peripheral view. It was my Junior year and Spring Track had just begun, this practice being my first time ever pushing my legs to run for so long. The marker was up ahead and the girl's feet were suddenly in step with mine. This cannot happen, I thought to myself. Newly inspired, I inhaled deeply and ignored the pain in the arches of my feet. I widened my stride for mere seconds until my foot made contact with the spray-painted line signaling 200 meters. I staggered to a stop and tried to circulate as much air as possible into my lungs. I loved the feeling of accomplishment, but next time, I'd stick to the 100 meter sprint.
SeriousStudent 3 / 9  
Sep 25, 2009   #2
I can conjure up a picture of your Spring Track through your writing.

But as an objective reader, I think this story ends a little too fast.

And your newer inspiration to move again only comes from another girl's foot overlapping yours, and you didn't want this happen. I think there must be something more persuasive to inspire you to carry on this plot~.
danielleross14 - / 2  
Sep 25, 2009   #3
This is very well written, I think it'd be better if it were a little longer though :)
OP supermodella 4 / 13  
Sep 25, 2009   #4
I have to keep it under 150 words, and it's 149, but thanks for the criticism! I really appreciate it and I will try to expand it within the limit.
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Sep 26, 2009   #5
You might be able to get rid of some words (highlighted) and also use a semicolon in a few places top get rid of a couple. This will give you some wiggle room for any additional thoughts.

It was extremely hot and my heart was racing, but I couldn't stop then. The bend was coming and I could see a girl beginning to push ahead {gaining on??} of me through my peripheral view. It was my Junior year and Spring Track had just begun, this practice being my first time ever pushing my legs to run for so long. The marker was up ahead and the girl's feet were suddenly in step with mine. This cannot happen, I thought to myself. Newly inspired, I inhaled deeply and ignored the pain in the arches of my feet. I widened my stride for mere seconds until my foot made contact with the spray-painted line signaling 200 meters. I staggered to a stop and tried to ,circulating as much air as possible into my {through my??} lungs. I loved the feeling of accomplishment;, but next time, I'll stick to the 100 meter sprint.

Now you have a little more room. :) This program won't let me preview, so I have to send "as is". I hope this helps! It's a good essay!
asianbaybay 1 / 10  
Sep 26, 2009   #6
i thought it was great and well described. why would someone have 150 as the limit! its imposible!! the sentences are short and was a quick read


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