Not sure if I talk about myself enough or if I have a clear thesis. Thanks!
What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (300 word maximum)
"Quaecumque Sunt Vera", the motto of Northwestern University, represents the way that I aim to live my life. I would like the truth to guide my future and aid my aspirations to have a positive impact on the world. At Northwestern University, the ethic and drive of both students and staff are a model for future leaders of the world. As an aspiring bioengineer, the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science seems like the ideal place to be. With existing research in regenerative medicine and biomechanics, as well as summer research at the NU Physical Sciences-Oncology Center, McCormick provides me with the opportunities to satisfy my hunger for a hands-on approach and real world impact. The opportunity to collaborate with highly respected professors and professionals such as Dr. Matthew Tresch, whose work with biomechanics has peaked my interest, further attract me to McCormick. In addition to research, the Co-op program can aid me in giving me a real world taste of the bioengineering field.
In addition to the opportunities in bioengineering, the atmosphere at Northwestern is unparalleled. The aspects of an intellectual college town, on the shore of a beautiful body of water, within arm's reach of a world class city, Evanston is the place to be. The student community and traditions appeal to my interests. Whether, it is painting The Rock or participating in Mayfest, the traditions at Northwestern give the school its unique identity that I seek to be a part of. I also plan to seek out multicultural organizations such as the Om-Hindu Cultural Council to keep in touch with my roots. The McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Sciences is the perfect place for me to be a part of a community that will provide me with the opportunities needed to positively impact the world.
Alright I'm a high schooler just like you, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
"In addition to" - there's no reason to be using that phrase twice, and in consecutive sentences!
To my knowledge you have a very well-written body, I think the introduction and conclusion are a little cliche (especially the conclusion).
For a 300 word essay, you have a clear thesis.
I definitely think you can use a bit more information on yourself. Is there some bioengineering research or excurricular activity you've done?
"With existing research in regenerative medicine and biomechanics, as well as summer research at the NU Physical Sciences-Oncology Center" - If this is something you've done, please clarify. I don't know if "with existing research" is the way to go about writing about your own work.
Sorry I don't have much advice to offer. I think it's really good overall, you have the student community aspect, location/environment aspect all covered very precisely.
Good luck!
Thanks for the feedback.
"With existing research in regenerative medicine and biomechanics, as well as summer research at the NU Physical Sciences-Oncology Center" - This isn't something I did but what is happening at Northwestern. I could probably add in "summer research opportunities" to make it more clear.
I haven't done any summer research programs or anything, but I did take a biotech engineering class in school and shadowed a doctor over the summer so maybe I could tie that in.
Thanks again!
I'm also a high school student, so don't put too much weight on my feedback. I like the thesis you mention, and considering the word limit it is quite clear and focused. However one thing that bugged me was how "mechanical" the essay felt. To me it seemed like you were simply reaching for the right answer instead of being truthful. One thing that made it seem that way was when you described your "hunger". It felt like you were simply telling this to me not showing. On the other hand, one thing I liked a lot was when you said "The aspects of an intellectual college town, on the shore of a beautiful body of water, within arm's reach of a world class city, Evanston is the place to be." because it felt like you really meant it. Just my two cents, good luck!
