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'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement

alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Jan 3, 2013   #1
Hi guys! Please be as critical as you can! All comments and suggestions are appreciated.
Also if you like, I would be glad to help with yours!

2.There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood, or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

Mom ties a string onto my wrist and attaches the other end onto a lamp. "Okay play."
I position my one-sixteenth-size violin and begin to work through my daily set of screech and squawks. At three years old, I have a tendency of falling asleep and cracking my violin. When my arms start drooping, the string's tension jerks me awake so I can resume making noise.

After violin practice or violin class on Mondays and Fridays, mom would then drive me to PP5, endearingly known by students as Pee-pee 5, and tell me she'll buy me bubble tea if I study well. Sadly, I somehow always fell asleep between French and Art.

"We should take Tina to the new skating ring!"
"Is that a ballet studio?"
"Boxing? Taekwondo? I've always wanted to learn these things."
My parents both come from rural parts of China and never had the chance to pursue these activities when they were young. They want me to have all that they couldn't. Admittedly, in the spirit of nothing but the truth, ballet and violin were like torture to my uncoordinated music deaf self.

But as I grew older and my parents' requirements shrunk, their influence upon me remains. I know that I am lucky to have the opportunity to experience so much. My parents' determination to give me the best has shaped me into a person that always puts myself out there.

Consequently, I would love to join Tuft's Quiditch Team. I fancy myself a Beater.

moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 3, 2013   #2
I got it what you meant by the quotes and who were telling them, but still I felt that if it were told that who were telling them, that would be a little better. A little cause it's good as it is.

What I didn't get at all is, where this Quiditch comes from! I mean it like a bolt from the blue. Either remove it or add something before it so that there remains a transition.

Could you please help with my Union Essay?
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Jan 3, 2013   #3
You spelled Quidditch wrong. There's two d's. Also, that part just feels awkward, like a last-minute add-on. Or is that an example of putting yourself out there?

Either indent, or leave a space for the next paragraph.

It's kinda funny, I pretty much have the same childhood as you :P Replace violin with piano, and voila!
moon05 13 / 133 20  
Jan 3, 2013   #4
Kitsumi: was your hand tied to something too?
Still you must have learned the piano damn good.
Guest /  
Jan 3, 2013   #5
I would say get rid of the Quidditch part. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your story. It would probably be better in the "Why Tufts" part.
mnljkt25 1 / 3 1  
Jan 3, 2013   #6
As Kitsumi mentioned earlier, I do agree that it would be better for you to identify the speakers. Overall I found your piece to be pretty enjoyable to read however there are several other points that I'd like to add!

Wishing you all the very best with your application! And I do hope that you'll get into tufts :)

(Would you mind checking and helping me with my georgetown essay, thanks!)
Kitsumi 4 / 97 16  
Jan 3, 2013   #7
My hands were never tied to anything, no. And I am qualified to teach piano now (although I have no students -.-). I was however, forced to play violin with my elbow on a wall because I kept moving it the wrong way. My violin teacher recommended it. Of course, I was 14 as opposed to 3. And I was the one asking for lessons.

I've come to realized that they to strive in providing me all of the things they weren't able to have nor do

Watch your verb tenses. Also, your answer just seems a lot more wordy.

As I grew older, the pressure from my parents became more tolerable however their efforts have definitely influenced me to be a better individual

As I grew older the pressure lessened, but their influences remained, encouraging me to be a better individual.

My parents' determination to provide me with the very best the world can offer as well as their never ending support

Again, wordy.

Wordiness in essays may sometimes feel like a good thing, but when an admissions officer have thousands to look over, conciseness is key.

Also, don't use contractions.

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