Hey all! First post on this forum for me! I recently wrote a draft of my common app essay for college and I was looking for some feedback. Please be brutally honest, I really want this essay to be good. Thanks!
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family (max 650 words).
"Neil? Is he here?" the advisor yelled multiple times. I anxiously rushed into a crowded lobby of the Georgia World Congress Center, and let out a nervous squeal, "I'm here! I'm Neil!" The displeased advisor guided me across a dimly lit atrium, and I immediately felt the tension of competition arise. Only fifteen years old, I was going to fight the battle of analysis and confidence against two hundred other competitors in finance. "Sit here and wait," the advisor grunted. After I sat down in the cold steel chair I murmured to myself, "I made it." I was one of the few underclassmen to qualify for the DECA International Career Development Conference in Atlanta, and it was a defining moment for me, because traveling without family in my culture is a sure sign of reaching adulthood.
I still remember when I was called up on stage and was qualified to go on this trip. My heart trembled, with both worry and excitement. Though thrilled to be a part of the elite group qualified to compete, I admit, I was scared. Flying alone and being away from family was something I had not yet encountered. Who will I stay with? What will I eat? Where will I compete? Questions like these plagued my mind, but I soon realized that I would have to overcome my fears and seize control of it. With the encouragement of my family and support from my DECA community, I cut the strings pulling me back and boarded the flight of my life which brought me to Atlanta.
Upon overcoming my initial concerns, I found myself in an environment where I was in control. For the first time in my life, I experienced complete freedom, and it felt incredible. The idea that I was on my way to becoming independent, became a reality and I savored it. I developed a sense of responsibility of how to balance my time for the demanding competition, basic necessities, communication with peers, and sleep. With contestants just like me from countries all over the world, I developed interpersonal skills, graciously conversing with different cultures and ethnicities. I gained an understanding of mutual respect, while maintaining a certain diplomacy that helped me admire their beliefs and lifestyle.
Through my competitive event, I learned a great deal about finance on the trip. It sparked my fascination and excitement for the subject. Learning basic concepts such as time value of money and the power of compound interest inspired me to delve deeper and study advanced concepts such as credit default swaps and collateralized debt obligations. I read several books on investing, including One up on Wall Street and Beating the Street, both which helped me modify my investing perspective to include both technical and fundamental analysis, rather than just one or the other. Above all, I learned that finance is important, and has the potential to aid people of all classes, whether it be helping a middle class family in buying a home, or even funding a small business started by a young entrepreneur.
Reflecting on that time during my high school career, I think that every child at some point, has to leave the things they know and venture out into the unknown. Taking such risks, becoming independent, and managing my life successfully has brought me respect in my own culture and community. This experience has transformed me from a reserved, innocent adolescent to a sophisticated, rational adult who is not afraid to speak up and stand on his own in any situation that arises. From this event, I was able to focus on my passion - I started an investment club, wrote a finance blog, and interned at an investment firm. Now I am looking forward to utilizing my strengths and skills to navigate through the dense forest that is college life, and eventually become the successful citizen of society I desire to be.
Hello, I can help you with any needed changes. I was really immersed in reading the opening paragraph. However, I will try to give constructive feedback.
The first paragraph, you could change one sentence. Begin this sentence with, "At only fifteen years old,..." Then you discuss a battle of analysis and confidence in this sentence. I think you should explain it better. It builds the reader's anticipation but you could be more specific. Ex: "fight the battle of analysis and confidently assess numbers" This may not accurately describe what you did during the competition, but it tells the reader that an analysis and numbers were involved. This type of description is missing.
The second paragraph, when you describe your fears you should state: "seize control of them" Change this sentence: "The idea that I was on my way to becoming independent, was a reality that I wanted to savor." The next sentence, change it to: I developed a sense of responsibility of how the ability to balance my time for the demanding competition, basic necessities, and communicate with peers. , and sleep. I think competition and communication make the sentence easier to understand. You could be more specific by explaining what the competition was. Was it academic competition?
The third paragraph, use italics when you name the books. Ex: One up on Wall Street and Beating the Street. When you discuss what you learned about finance, you could use "such as helping a middle class family" rather than whether it be helping a middle class family.
The last paragraph, I am going to suggest some slight changes: "As I reflect on that time during my high school career, I think that many may child at some point, has to leave have left the things they know and ventured out into the unknown." Change these sentences to: "After this event, I was able to focus on my passion. I started..." The last sentence change become to becoming.
