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My Purpose and Qualities- Global UGRAD Program : Why would you be a great participant ?


FairuzDhiaKhalis 2 / 2 1  
Dec 16, 2019   #1

Why would you be a great participant of UGRAD?



I used to live most of my life in a small town called Tanjungpinang. It is located in the northern part of Sumatra, near Malaysia and Singapore. Because of my environment and people around me, I used to believe that I would not be as succeeding as others who studying in big cities like Jakarta or Bandung. I didn't believe that I will be able to study abroad in a great and farway country like United States. When I entered my college in Jakarta, my horizon is broadened and now I do believe that I will be able to develop and be as successful as others, no matter where I came from. By joining the Global UGRAD Program, I believe that I will be able to develop myself more and inspire my fellow youths in my hometown that we can be as successful as others from big cities. Eventhough we are not starting with the same starting point like those from big cities, we can still win national competitions, participating in prestigious events, and going abroad to participate in exchanges like I will hopefully do.

As a non-native student, I have the ability to adapt to new condition and environment. I managed to overcome the new condition, boundaries, and pressure in studying in big city like Jakarta which is completely different from my hometown. I managed to adapting with the study I do believe that this ability in adapting to new environment will help me being a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program. I will be able to adapt well the new environment there and overcome the challenges that come within. I also have strong mentality and opened-mind that will help me in facing changes and boundaries that will come during my exchange in the United States.

Living in a developing country and an environment that is the combination of both slum and wealthy areas, I've seen both poor people who can only afford to eat scraps and unhealthy food and also rich people who is able to afford plenty healthy food but prefer to eat junk food like burgers and fast-food. By joining Global UGRAD Program, I hope that I can learn strategies from USA nutritional programs and services to help my environment. I want to reduce the gap in terms of nutritional status between the slum society and wealthy society. I want to make sure that eventhough you are poor, you can still have healty and nutritinous food that is cheap and affordable. I also want to educate the wealthy society to eat healthily and not wasting their food. Expensive food doesn't always mean that it's healthy and nutritinous but cheap food doesn't always mean that it's dirty and unhealthy.

In Indonesia, the current topics are inclusivity and gap between disabled and normal community. I wish to see and learn one or two thing from developed country like USA in terms of inclusivity and health care for disabled community. I want to apply those strategies and make a nutrition education program for disabled and poor people because most of disabled people here still not making nutrition consumption as their number one priority. And it is a pity because being disabled doesn't mean that you should not pay attention to your nutritional status and consumption.

Maria - / 1,100 389  
Dec 16, 2019   #2
@FairuzDhiaKhalis
Hi. Here is my feedback on your writing.

While I think that the first paragraph is decent content-wise, I find that you need to work a bit more on the packaging of your writing. I find that you tend to incorporate quite excessive details that are unnecessary to building information. Hence, try to stick with information that you actually need to prioritize. Doing this will certainly give evaluators a better impression of you since you would pay more attention to the writing itself. In relation to that, try to implement this more concise structure into the first paragraph. You could have omitted the first few sentences and moved straight to how you felt when you first moved to Jakarta.

While I find that the third paragraph's introduction was enlightening, try to make the writing less repetitive. Notice how the first sentence here and the last ones appear to just be relatively the same; hence, you could just get away with a few sentences of observation and then relating these to the program you want to partake in.

The "concluding" paragraph at the end also appears to be isolated from the rest of the text. You didn't necessarily tackle the idea of the disabled community anywhere aside from here. If you want to focus on a specific community to contribute to from your field, try to introduce it earlier to have an essay that's more tied together.


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