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qualities that would make you a good candidate for engineering-essay


tjay1988 1 / -  
May 7, 2009   #1
Describe up to two qualities that you possess that you feel would make you a good candidate for engineering at the University of ...

Your essay should not exceed 2100 characters (including spaces and punctuation).

I am not a native speaker and I am not sure if I use the right phrases, grammar, structure and meet the requirements. I appreciate your help.

When I was small I asked my Dad, "Dad, why is the sky blue?" My dad could not give me a satisfactory reply. This was the moment where the adventure started. I got on my journey to discover the world and its myteries. As a young boy I just wanted to know everything. Where is the rain coming from? Why is it thundering and what is a lightening doing? Why do stars not fall from the sky? I had so many questions which were not answered and noboby could explain me how the world acts. When I grew older and enrolled in school I gained the possibility to find ways of answering questions by myself, by researching for answers in books or on the internet. When I had a question I could not find an answer I got possessed with ambition; I searched for the answer with a great tenacity until I found it. This has made me the person who I am today.

I am always interested in learning something new and understanding a little bit more of the world. I want to make a change, create something new and solve existing problems. My interest in science led me to choosing Math and Physics as performance courses in high school which is the most scientific choice at german high schools. I am willing to proceed in studying in this area. So I looked for a University which is specialized at this. From the very first moment when I saw the slogan: "answers to the world's questions" I thought the University of ... is the best choice for me. Because of its excellent Faculty of Engineering also known in Germany, I know I can not get a better education in engineering than in ... . Due to my distinct curiosity I developed "staying power", to never give up and dedication to achieve a goal. I learned in my life that when you are really interested in something and you try your best without giving up you can obtain everything. Like Albert Einstein who named my high school said, "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious."

ivan9210 5 / 26  
May 7, 2009   #2
hey, well I am not a native speaker either but this is what seemed to me weird:

Why do stars not fall from the sky? = Why don't stars fall from sky?

I could not find an answer I got possessed with ambition (I'm not quite sure about this one, I dont understand it, do you want to say that there was not answer which didn't get you full of ambition?)

From the very first moment when I saw the slogan = from the very first moment I saw the slogan.

Due to my distinct curiosity I developed "staying power", to never give up and dedication to achieve a goal (I think this one would be better if you'd change the word DUE at the begining for THANKS or other synonym so kind of something like this: THANKS TO THE DISTINCT CURIOSITY WHICH I DEVELOPED BY "STAYING POWER", TO NEVER GIVING UP AND DEDICATING TO ACHIEVE A GOAL...

I saw some others, but I wasn't very sure about them. Again I am not a native speaker, I just showed you the ones I was more certain were wrong.

But I think you did meet the requierements, you told what your strenghts are.

good luck with everything.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
May 8, 2009   #3
Try to avoid using weak verbs (and yes, I know this can be difficult if you aren't a native speaker, but practice makes perfect). So, no forms of "to be," "to have," "to go," to make" etc. unless you absolutely need them.

So

"This has made me the person who I am today."
could be rewritten as "These experiences forged me into my current self."

Likewise

"Why is it thundering and what is a lightening doing?" could become "What signifies the thunder's roar, and what seeks the jagged lightening" or something along those lines. You might want to avoid the poetic inversion, I suppose, since that could get confusing, but it'll do as an example.

And so on, throughout your essay.
Thuong 3 / 13  
May 8, 2009   #4
Hi tjay1988,

I think that you should state more clearly your two qualities and add transitional words (or transitional sentence) between your 1st and 2nd paragraphs.

I want to make a change, create something new and solve existing problems => this sentence seems not very persuasive. It would be better if you wrote on something more specific, for ex, your story/ situation which builds up in readers' mind about your qualification. In that story, your behaviour shows who you are. Just some of my thoughts! ^^

Hi Sean,
Your usage of strong verbs is so brilliant. Can you suggest some books which we can learn about this issue or can you give out some techniques? I really appreciate that! =)

Have a wonderful day, everybody!***


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