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UC (personal quality, talent): "color guard has not seen the last of me"


gellizard 1 / 1  
Nov 18, 2010   #1
prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

When I joined my school's color guard team in eighth grade, it was true love at first spin. I've made many contributions and accomplishments as a team and as an individual in this sport and performing art, as well as faced many challenges.

I loved everything about the experience of the first year, like breaking out of my comfort zone, bonding with the team, having disciplined practices, and competing all year round. I felt great to be a part of something that won trophies and recognition in addition to gaining physical and mental strength. I was eager to continue this throughout high school. Being on color guard in high school was more of a challenge with practice every day, more competition, and I had a lot to prove, being the only freshman on the team. Practices and numerous competitions cut into my family time and study time. Nevertheless, I am proud of pushing myself and earning a spot in the dance, rifle, saber, and flag elements, and earning the role of Tinkerbell in our Peter Pan themed show.

My personal accomplishments include earning the role of captain and the contributions I have made to the team as well as overcoming the challenges I faced. I worked hard enough to become the co-captain for my sophomore year. However, our coach had to move away and our new coach was very different. Our new coach had other jobs and was hardly at practice. This led to me and the captain having to run practices on our own and taking care of other things that needed to be done for competitions, which included communicating to parents, choosing and ordering costumes or props, and managing music. I am proud that we were able to do that efficiently.

I wanted to carry on the strict policies of the previous coach and captain because I wanted the team to be successful like the previous year, but everyone else wanted different things. With everyone clashing, I still loved performing but we weren't as successful. Many issues along with guard managing, show planning, and practices led to me coming home stressed and fatigued, and even caused a drop in my grades.

The following summer I attended the National Student Leadership Conference in Washington D.C. to develop better leadership skills. I entered my junior year as the captain, determined to lead the team to success. My main goal was to share my love and enjoyment of color guard with my teammates, but I still did everything I could to motivate each member to do their best.

That year was not the most successful, but I don't regret the experience. Although we did not accomplish all of our goals, the team was happy that I could keep us all together like a family, even in times of drama and stress. I felt that I became prepared for the real life situations, becoming able to deal with many things, prioritizing and separating work with personal issues. I was shy before and now I am able to socialize and deal with peers and adults. I feel like I became a stronger person.

However, I was heavily influenced by instructors, team members, and their parents and they tried to mold me to their liking. At the end of junior year, I decided I needed time to find who I really am. After sleepless nights and lots of thinking, I made the difficult decision of leaving the team. I came to the conclusion that it would be what was best for me at the time, especially after trying to please everyone else for the past few years. To appease my need for performing, I joined the advanced dance team at my school. My love for color guard still exists, and I intend on joining a more renowned team. Color guard has not seen the last of me.

I would love any opinions! please and thanks
diego1 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2010   #2
Honestly, I got a little lost in your essay.
Your personal accomplishment appeared to be colorguard, focusing on you trials as a leader (which you didn't always win), but then at the end you quit colorguard.

It might help to go through and outline the essay and look at what each problem/solution added to you as a person and how they support your thesis (the overall trait/accomplishment/talent...)

Using colorguard which can show your dedication is definitely a great essay possibility, but I think clarifying your thesis, what you are stating about yourself will help you move towards a much stronger essay.

Good luck with your application! Hope some of my comments helped and feel free to disregard what you disagree with :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
...as a team member and as an individual in this sport and performing art, as well as and I also faced many challenges.-----I got rid of "sport and" because that detail is not important. Think of your purpose. Your purpose is not to tell them that it is a sport + performing art. The purpose is to make them feel impressed by the experience you provide with this essay.

Here is a sentence that provides a poignant experience for the reader:
That year was not the most successful, but I don't regret the experience.

...the difficult decision of leaving to leave the team.

I think you should find a place in the intro paragraph to mention the fact that it was difficult for you to leave color guard... and then at the end this great last sentence will provide closure for that tension you create when saying you had to leave the team.

Color guard has not seen the last of me.---This makes a great ending!


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