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"Quantum Society" or "children's' charity school" Chosing between two short answers


adaswani 1 / 2  
Dec 19, 2011   #1
Short answer question

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I have written these two and i cant chose as to which one to use

In our fourth year of secondary school a group of students including myself formed the ***** school "Quantum Society". Our main objective was to provide a vessel for students who had an interest in the world of physics and Chemistry, beyond what we learned in the class room. We would research individual topics of our choice and then give a presentation to our peers; my chosen topic was "Collapse of Moore's Law and the emergence of Quantum computer". Due to passion towards the future of computers I was quite attached to this topic and spent hours researching in order to produce a through presentation, I learned that in the next decade Moore's Law would collapse as the size of atoms is a bottleneck, however using those same atoms we can create quantum computers that are able to work with the vibration of the atoms riding us the bottleneck, however decoherence is preventing headway. Being a part of this society has improved my researching skills along with my self-discipline to work for myself.

OR

Five years ago, my mum took me to a local children's' charity school. While spending time there, the 'bubble' that many within the city lived in became evident. I would see people living on the road, hungry and weak but only vicariously, through the windows of a car, was I 'privy' to the suffering of thousands of Ghanaians across the country. We organised a series of games, at the school, in which winners were given books; the joy on their faces was inexplicable and the realisation that things are not meant to be taken for granted was firmly embedded in me. I wasn't much older than a lot of the children but I was able to make a difference, a truly heart-warming experience. Since then I have taken it upon myself to visit these schools frequently and encouraged many of my friends to come along in order to aid with computer literacy among the youth. I ensured that my time in Ghana should be used as an opportunity and that I would make a difference to the lives of the less fortunate, in a country that I call my home.
weima 1 / 2  
Dec 19, 2011   #2
I like the 2nd one better.

watch for capital letters for my feedback!

Five years ago, my mum took me to a local children's' charity school. While spending time there, the 'bubble' that many within the city lived in became evident. (MISPLACED MODIFIER, THE BUBBLES DID NOT SPEND TIME THERE). I would see people living on the road, hungry and weak but only vicariously (THIS IS PARADOXICAL, AND WRONG WORD FORM) (SHOULD NOT BE AN ADVERB), (BEGINNING TO BE A RUN-ON) through the windows of a car, was I 'privy' to the suffering of thousands of Ghanaians across the country(YOU WERE PRIVY THROUGH A WINDOW? MIGHT WANT TO REVISE THIS). (YOU ARE CHANGING FOCUS TOO ABRUPTLY)We organised(ORGANIZED) a series of games, (RUN-ON/ COMMA SPLICE) at the school, in which winners were given books(AVOID PASSIVE VOICE); the joy on their faces was inexplicable and the realisation(REALIZATION) that things are not meant to be taken for granted was firmly embedded in me (BAD PARALLELISM, FIX THIS BY SEPARATING THIS SENTENCE INTO TWO). I wasn't much older than a lot of the children but I was able to make a difference, a truly heart-warming experience (DANGLING DEPENDENT CLAUSE HERE, CONSIDER DELETING). Since then I have taken it upon myself to visit these schools frequently and encouraged many of my friends to come along in order to aid with (REVISE, MY FRIENDS TO TEACH BASIC COMPUTER SKILLS, THIS WOULD SOUND LESS SNOBBY)computer literacy among the youth(CHILDREN). I ensured that my time in Ghana should be used as an opportunity and that I would make a difference to the lives of the less fortunate, in a country that I call my home.


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