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QUEENS COMMERCE SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY - Pick a job and describe impact/greatest learning outcome


abeyan 1 / -  
Feb 11, 2019   #1
Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above. In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.

the perseverance was a key



When I was fifteen, I was employed part-time as a grocery clerk at No Frills. I was warned about how challenging it would be considering my adolescent age and inexperience with the workplace, especially one that was physically demanding. I was aware I was at a disadvantage compared to my coworkers, however I continued to pursue my goal and decided to work hard to compensate for my shortcomings.

In spite of my efforts, the position immediately proved challenging. I worked in the frozen foods and meat/deli departments at No Frills, most of my shifts did not align with my department manager's shifts and for the majority of my employment I was the only grocery clerk in my department. As a result I had to bear the responsibility of the whole department, I was put into situations where I was required to unpack and organize the stock in the backroom and the floor whilst assisting customers. This position tremendous stress on me because I had to meet deadlines that came with real consequences. These responsibilities challenged me in ways, prior to this position, I have never experienced before. However, perseverance was key, as I constantly worked at my weaknesses and built them up into strengths.

Ultimately, I came out of my job with endless transferable skills in hand. In grade twelve I am now able to prioritize my academics because I have saved a sufficient amount of money ahead of time. Despite the stress and difficulty of having a job, it was very important because it taught me how to balance and prioritize responsibilities and deal with stressful situations. As a result of my employment, I learned critical skills that can be used in an academic space along with the workplace very early in life that I can now use effectively for the rest of my life.

Holt - / 7,530 2001  
Feb 12, 2019   #2
Abeyan, you have successfully provided an insightful response statement to the given discussion instructions. I find that you have paid ample attention to the requirements provided and you have truly given much thought to the presentation and development of your response. There are a few points that require clarification though. That means you will need to adjust the essay content to suit the word requirements with additional information. The parts that seem confusing in relation to the discussion are:

1. This position tremendous stress on me because I had to meet deadlines that came with real consequences.
- Did you mean "placed tremendous stress.." ?
- Add an example of the real consequences as you experienced it to show why you pushed yourself to do better at the job.

2. These responsibilities challenged me in ways...
- Such as? Every declaration you make needs to be supported by an example.

Remove the reference to grade 12. The reviewer already knows you are a graduating senior since you are applying for admission to college. Start the sentence instead with "Ultimately, I came out of my job with endless transferable skills in hand. I am now able to prioritize my academics..." That makes for a stronger presentation that removes superfluous information.


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