Prompt: A range of academic interest, personal perspective, and life experience adds much to the educational mix. Describe what you bring to the diversity in a college community with your experiences.
The diversity I bring to the college community comes from my observations of the world and the history of my family. I am fortunate enough to live past some of the most tragic events in life.
Having been living in the United States since 2002, I have never gotten the chance like my classmates to experience how America was like when the September 11 attack happened. I was not present when all the schools announced emergency lockdowns and dismissed the adults from their work places, and to experience the patriotism that sprang up from every American heart. I lived in a country where rapacious governments and police officers lived off of civilians' bribes. I was told that my grandfather, now a Vietnam veteran with a minor case of shell shock, left his family at age 20 for army service and was held prisoner by the Vietcong for seven strenuous years. I was told that if I choose to stay in my homeland, I would only limit myself to being a lower-class laborer my whole life. Surrounded by barriers, I left the place that I grew up in the first 10 years of my life.
The 9/11 event put fear in me, and those memories gave me the nerves as I stepped on the aircraft in 2002 that would soon carry me to the oblivion straight ahead. But as soon as I reached the City of Brotherly Love, I finally found diversity a salvation to the monotony that I experienced under strict Communist rule. This made me feel more appreciated toward my mother, who has brought me to the land of opportunities so that I can prove the best of my ability by being the first in the family to attend a four-year college and even fulfill my dream of becoming an ophthalmologist. Then I came across Girls' High, which it brings out my abilities into light, giving me the versatility of being both a scholar and an athlete for a 13-mile race. The fearful incidents in the past are still contained within my root, but I do not want to forget them because they are the stepping stones to self-knowledge and they define my diversity in character.
Why???? 9/11 Is that only issue in world that you would like to bring to this community. Its high time people move on. And they have moved on. 9/11 has not affect on you directly then why write something so negative in your essay unless your dealing some topic like that.
Where is your academic interests? Where is your extra activities that show your multi dimensional person.
I would suggest complete change of the essay. This essay states nothing about Selina Dao. We don't what are your strengths, your academic research and your culture from where you come.
9/11 put fear in me....Surely, you don't want to say that in your essay. You do not show how you would contribute to the KALEIDOSCOPE OF THE CAMPUS BY ADDING A NEW COLOR AND MAKING IT EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL.
Change the idea of the essay and rework it.
Hope my comments help.
Very interesting start!!
I think you have to make a slight change:
...how America was
like when the September 11 attack happened.
...what America was like when the September 11 attack happened.
***You can ask "How was the show?" or "What was the show like?" But not
"How was the show like?"
that would soon carry me to the oblivion straight ahead. --- very nice sentence
Then I came across Girls' High, which
it brings out my abilities, giving me ...
Then I came across Girls' High. It brings my abilities into light, giving me ...
Choose which way you like it! But not this:
which it brings out my abilities into light
:-) This is a great idea for an essay!
I think its a great concept about 9/11 - it is cool to see your perspective on it since you came to america a year after. Maybe you can talk about your experience coming to the u.s after it happened, and veer away from your uncles story about vietnam its a good start just try and stay on track about how your life is diverse, or what 'diversity means to you'