Hi everyone,
This is my draft of the essay for the Questbridge National Match. The deadline for the scholarship is in 5 days. I would appreciate if someone could give me constructive criticisms on how to improve my essay. What do you think about the essay? On a scale of 1-10? How can I improve it in terms of grammar, ideas, organization, styles, etc. Also, I need to take out at least 20 words since the word limit is 500.
Thank you so much!
Essay Prompt: Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?
School is about learning. It is not about making higher grades than the other students. The wiser student strives to gain knowledge rather than to get higher numerical grades. However, if one learns and increases knowledge, earning impressive grades is guaranteed. Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.
I have been particularly compelled to aspects of social sciences because I believe learning about people, places, and cultures is essential to be knowledgeable citizens of the world. For instance, history is imperative in understanding the world around us. German philosopher Karl Marx once said, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce." Through learning and analyzing history, we can know the past, understand the present, and predict the future.
In my AP US History course, all the students were required to complete a project on Social Science. We were allowed to choose our own topic that interests us. The idea that instantly ignited in my mind was to do something on corruption and poverty in Africa. After discussing with my instructor, I shaped my topic to be the precise question that follows: Does Corruption Impact the Internal Displacement of Nations in Conflict?
The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.
The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement. During the course of collecting data, I read several books and articles on the refuge situation in Africa. I conducted interviews of two natives of Africa, who have had an extensive experience with corruption there. My conclusion was that corruption in Africa does manipulate the people to relocate because of the governments' failure to protect the citizens from violence. I still continue to ponder how this relates to the situations in North Africa, involving revolutions in Libya, Egypt, and Tunisia.
This project has provided me with a memorable experience and much recognition. I won first place in my school, city, and regional competitions. Then, I proceeded to the 2011 Georgia State Social Studies Fair, and won the Best in Class award. My project was declared the best project in the State of Georgia. The concept of solving the crisis of internal displacement and corruption continues to intellectually excite me. My experiences served to make me realize that learning for the sake of learning provides us exposure, tolerance, and passion in life.
Thank you so much again :)
Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.-- would sound better if combined or at least linked in ideas.
The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement.--- just an idea but
" I decided to focus on the south African countries of Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan because they were the key witnesses in the grotesque impact of internal displacement on __"--- it sounds less passive and more descriptive.
The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.--- it is passivly writen and does not show the emotional impact which it had on you(just stating that it had impact because you had relatives there sounds monotoned)
1)I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.--- can be combined-- "My strong dedication to enlighten the world of these overseen phenomenon drove me to thoroughly examine and intently analize my gathered data daily until my heart was fully satsfied with my gathered product."--just an idea(use whatever words you see fit)
2) "The topic of internal diplacement holds a vital placemetn in my heart because I had once witnessed myself the autrocities of my family members having to relocate form ancestral home land to an unidentified place in which they held no value."
3)A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes.--random(connect it to another sentance or put more detail into it about the effect of this relocation on the peoples social values or thoughts or mentality,etc.
sorry I couldn't spend a lot more time on this(I have a test so i need to go to sleep)
if my advice helped than write back and i'll tell you some other things i noticed
Hey!
Thanks so much!!!
I really appreciate the editing and they have helped a lot. What do you think about the essay though? Do you think it is memorable? How can I make it more memorable and/or show my passion. Does it give you any idea of who I am as a person?
I really appreciate it again. Thanks :)
Fellow QB applicant here!
Your essay is well written and strong, but I don't feel like you've put enough about yourself in your essay. Surely you elaborate on your project and your relatives, but what you didn't emphasize was the prompt, how it excites you, how it impacted you, or what do you ponder about it. In your case, further explain how it impacted you.
So the essay is good description wise but it lacks YOU in it. It sais someone did a project, worked hard on the project, and had some ties with the project. Colleges receive hundreds of essays saying "my last summer went", "I did this" or "my mission trip in" but what all of these share in common is that they were not accepted because they only stated what happened. That is level one of writing, but colleges want level three.
You want to write about the impact that this project has on you. How did you feel when you thought of the topic? How did it make you feel or react when you remembered what happened to your relatives? How did this project change You?, well that is the basic. The college is looking to see that you are able to analyze your own feelings and actions and be able to converse them to someone like an adult. You, of course, need to mention what the project is and what type of research you did for it, but that should make up max of 6-8 sentences out of the whole essay.
It is important to show College that you are an individual who is unique, therefore write it! Don't be embarrassed if the essay is personal and emotional, it is supposed to be because that means it is real and not just a blow off format. I mean I Cried during the whole process of writing my essay about a friend's sport career ending due to a leg injury, so it is ok to be real. They want to know you, not the experiment.
My advice is just start on a blank page and write whatever first comes to mind, even if it makes no sense and you could think of better words to put it in,for now just write it. Then after you have your real thoughts and not formatted one on that paper begin looking at putting it into a beteer fomat but staying true to what is written.
