I am applying for the Questbridge college match. Here is my essay, ANY improvements are welcome.
Gerardo's First Symphony
The baton is lifted
Rapid heartbeats would introduce the moment where violins would be shakily raised in a perfect synchronous manner. Instruments of melodious music magically transform to lead blocks as the tension is stretched as tight as the strings on a violin. I hastily scan the crowd, hoping to see the cliché mother and father rooting for you scene, yet, as usual, it's only my mother. I quickly reprimand myself for looking, I mean, did I expect anything different?
Exposition
The first elongated note escapes from the strings of the violins, violas, and cellos, covering the hall with a veil of silky pleasure, easing a smiles and dreamy stares from the spectators. I am reminded of the deceivingly calm summer night sky in Arandas, Mexico, where a plethora of stars, comets, and planets could be viewed without a telescope, all dancing to the eternal symphony that the crickets orchestrated every night, a symphony I knew could never be bested. This misleading veil of beauty served to obscure raw images of children begging for food, gangs killing unsuspecting teens, and corrupt police refusing to take action against criminals. Growing up in harmonious turmoil removed childhood ignorance from my life, allowing me to experience society without its mask. Seeing society's problems firsthand inspired me to one day solve them through education and proper leadership.
Adagio
As the plane descends to American soil, so does the orchestra's tune. Soft notes remind of whispers my best friend in Mexico told of how American children eat every day, have mounds of toys, and sleep in cozy warm homes. I would cry from happiness as I fell asleep on a cardboard box in the middle of an old Baltimore City apartment, for, much like the symphony's melody, his whispers, no, his dreams, reverberated in my mind. Coming to the land of opportunity was the greatest opportunity I could ever have, for I was living the dreams of thousands of kids, including my best friend's. That day I realized I could not afford to waste any opportunities, for others would sacrifice much more than I have to be in my position.
Allegro
Fast. Quick. Lively. The sharp, quick notes that the orchestra generated was much like the life style here in the United States. Go to school. Come back. Study English. Study Math. Cook dinner. Wait for mother. Go to sleep. Wake up and do it again. I was caught in this vicious cycle that I could not escape from. I was forced to learn time management, cooking, a new language, and a new culture in order to survive. This cultural shock propelled me to a new level of maturity that peers my age would not arrive to until adulthood.
Solo
The sweet melody of a single violin, soothingly vibrating into every corner of the hall, a true master of the strings who practiced alone to create such an indulging arrangement. I am the soloist of my own desires, learning, composing, and independently practicing my passion of mathematics. For hours after school, Dr. Goldenberg, my calculus teacher, and I would stay and practice advanced calculus in order to prepare me for the math needed in college. Dr. Goldenberg once said, "Knowledge is not a gift, it's a virus. If it is not spread, it will surely die." This inspired me to tutor my peers, to spread the virus, to collaborate and work together to understand the basis of the universe: mathematics.
Finale
The man in the middle, the conductor with his baton, creates balance out of chaos, beauty from turmoil, elegance from disarray. The perfect combination of intelligence and creativity, orchestrating with the right tempo, leading his men, spending hours of practice and dedication, to create something great out of wood and metal. With a flurry of movements, he ends this first symphony with a crescendo, and a bow. As he rises, he sees his time in Mexico, his sacrifice to come to the land of opportunity, his dedication towards himself and others. It doesn't matter that there is no father in the crowd. The life he has had has shaped him to be a leader, a mentor, a teacher, but more importantly, a student, constantly learning from others. Instead of using his challenges as an excuse, he has used them as fuel to seek knowledge both in education and society. Only then does he realize, the curious boy who was thrusted into a hostile environment and the man in the middle have always been the same. This is my first symphony, which I have conducted with the help of great mentors and role models, and as I continue to grow, I know there will be many more.
The first elongated note escapes from the strings of the violins, violas, and cellos, filling the hall with a veil of silky pleasure, easing a smiles and dreamy stares from the spectators.
Soft notes remind me of the whispers of my best friend in Mexico, who told me of how American children eat every day, have mounds of toys, and sleep in cozy warm homes.
The sharp, quick notes that the orchestra generated were much like the life style here in the United States.
This cultural shock propelled me to a new level of maturity that peers my age would not arrive at until adulthood.
I am the soloist of my own desires, learning, composing, and independently practicing my passion for mathematics.
The life he has had has shaped him into a leader, a mentor, a teacher, but more importantly, a student, constantly learning from others.
Only then does he realize, the curious boy who was thrust into a hostile environment and the man in the middle have always been the same.
What an amazing essay!! This is so beautifully written and imaginative, also quite different from the run of the mill essays I edit all day. Thank you for brightening my day. Good luck in school, though I doubt that you'll need luck.
:)
