Hi there! Right now, I'm in need of someone to revise my essay, since I don't have much time left. In return, I will help you guys look over your essays, just tell me!
Any constructive criticism and comments will be greatly appreciated!
Hello future Roommate,
First of all, I really appreciate the email you sent me. I felt as if I met you in person. In return I'm sending an email about myself. I'll start off with an anecdote. When I was about six years old, my mother and I went to a local supermarket in California to buy groceries. After two extensive hours of searching for the items on the checklist, we were finally done. Relieved, I hummed "Twinkle twinkle little star" under my breath. However, at that moment my eyes fell upon the candy aisle. In a flash, I was on the floor crying, begging for candy. Persistent to not lose the battle, I mustered all the strength I could and screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping my wish would be fulfilled. Yet, it was no use. I was the loser and my mom, the winner. On the way back home, I contemplated my actions. Deep in thought, I realized that I was really foolish to have cried. Looking at my mom in the car mirror, I could see her disappointment in me. So I did what I felt was right; I apologized. Once the words, "I'm sorry" flew out of my mouth, my mom's frown turned into an upward curve. Happy to see my mom smile, I started humming Twinkle Twinkle Little Star again. From this anecdote, most people would think of me as a stubborn person. However, this isn't what I'm trying to convey. Instead, I'm trying to say that I love making people feel happy and cheerful whenever I can. To be more specific, I want to promote world peace. Even though people might say this dream is unattainable, I would say it is possible. I want to show people that it can be achieved by doing small acts of kindness. This might sound very clichéd to you, but I assure you this makes people's days brighter.
Another interesting fact I would like to tell you is my curiosity for the world. On a regular basis, I would probably ask about three questions a day, that means twenty one questions a week. But I assure you, you will get used to my question asking habit in no time. So please don't be alarmed by this irregular habit of mine. Other times I just sit back and listen to conversations that I happen to come across. Not a peep of sound would erupt out of my mouth. Instead, my mind would start contemplating the conversation and try to unravel what people are talking about. You would probably think I'm a stalker, but I can't help it. I love knowing things that I've never thought about before. If you want to, call me Curious George and I wouldn't mind at all. However, if you really can't stand me, just take a pair of sound proof headphones and blast music into them to cover up my incessant talking.
Well, that's about it. I hope this email gave you some insight of what I'm like. If you have questions for me, I will be happy to tell you more of myself when you arrive at the dorm. I hope you have a safe flight!
Do not say "I'll start off with an anecdote". It is too straightforward.
Try something like "Anecdotes tell the most about a person"
Also consider if an anecdote of you as a six year old is really a good
indicator of you now.
Also consider if an anecdote where you fight with your mom by laying down on the floor
in a supermarket, screaming to get some candy, makes you look like someone
who does want to make other people happy.
Also, this I want to promote world peace is too straightforward and cliched,
and although you admit that it is a cliche, it still does not look good.
If you want to have the promote world peace, then you should prepare the
introduction of this subject a little longer.
"I like making people happy.
"Not only people in my environment, but from around the world.
It makes me sad to see hunger and war and suffering people in the world
therefore world peace is important to me.
The second paragraph is better,
but not would but will
and do not even mention the possibility that your roommate
would not like you
Also, if you are saying that you do not make a sound
then it does not sound logical that your incessantly talking.
On a general basis, do not use so many times phrases like Well, that's about it. I hope this email gave you some insight of what I'm like.
Try to make it a little more personal and you your essay will be fine.
Hope this helps
I will greatly appreciate feedback on my revised sadness essay, thanks.
