THIS IS MY FIRST TIME USING ESSAY FORUM. I WOULD LOVE your help
Thank you in advance.
University of Notre Dame
Prompt 1: What question fascinates you? Tell us why. 200 words
Word count below: 200/200
Who am I and why am I here?
The obvious answer is that I'm Nikita Morrison. But that doesn't answer the question of who I am as a person. It won't be answered for quite some time. As I can't conclude who I am until I've experienced the most of everything. I believe that we are put on earth for a reason, whether it's to find ourselves or to help others find themselves. The people, events, and experiences have molded me into who I am today. I remember when I was at Walmart, and I wasn't able to pay my remaining balance on my groceries. Fortunately, a kind lady helped me out by paying my balance. She said "No problem. Just make sure that one day you return the favor to someone else in need." Situations like that make me grateful and optimistic about the future. There are times where I my ideas become reality, I make someone's day, or that I provide something to someone. I think to myself, that I'm going to be spectacular in the future. Because I know that I was put on this earth to help others, the rest is up to me to discover.
Prompt 2: What's broken, and how would you fix it? (200 words)
Below word count: 200/200
Poverty is a major issue I believe is corrupt because it's not just in one country, it's all over the world. Now I know poverty is something that can never end, I learned that while taking a college class. My professor once told me that if I were to give everyone 50k, the dollar wouldn't be valued the same. Basically, no matter what you do there will always be a low, middle, and high class. Since then, I know that if I can't fix poverty itself I would like to encourage kids to pursue something beyond their reach. In the future I plan on creating various charities to encourage kids for a better life especially in areas where crime rates are the highest. I want them to know that joining gangs, selling drugs, and committing crimes isn't going to get them anywhere in life. There are too many people losing their lives to help others, it's unnecessary. Along with charities, I plan on creating scholarships and grants given to those by a case-by-case basis. I know that I might not be able to change the world, but I can the change the mind of someone who will change the world.
Prompt 3: What excites you about attending Notre Dame? (200 words max)
Word count below: 199/200
I am filled with so much zest because I'm applying to University of Notre Dame. It all started when my counselor suggested me a business school in Pennsylvania. As I told her previously, how I would like to attend a college out of state. I instantly fell in love with the scenery, the reputation, and the school itself. I plan on pursuing a major in accountancy, and/or minoring in entrepreneurship.
Being a Buddhist I know that UND students remain open minded and respectful to those non-Catholic. Despite the school having a religious element, I still fancy what UND has to offer as a whole. From its amazing alumni network to its rewarding college experience. What appealed to me the most, was that the university is ranked in the top 5 undergraduate business schools in America. I know that UND will assist me in becoming the best business woman, so there's no worry. I personally have always been intrigued by philosophy and theology. To have a school that pushes it for all students to take, is a marvelous idea. It's a brilliant method to get those exposed to different aspects of life. I look forward to becoming a fighting Irish.
I think for the 1st prompt, you are being too general, you need to hit the specifics. You may not know yourself now, but what do you know about yourself already? How did the Walmart woman make you want to be like her (generous i assume).
For the 2nd prompt, I believe you did a good job in talking about poverty and saying how you would fix it, maybe stick to one example of poverty.
The 3rd prompt, I feel like you need to stay why you think you fit in their the best, how that school would be the ideal ( even if it isn't).
Other than that, I think it's well written, and your ideas and thoughts are clearly pointed out
Paragraphs 1 and 3 seem ok (paragraph 1 seems a bit contrived, especially at the beginning; for paragraph 3 don't say that your favorite thing about the school is their rank), just need some grammatical polishing. As for paragraph 2:
Please don't say that poverty can't be eliminated because it really, truly can. Poverty is a state in which one can't access basic necessities for life (i.e. food, water, shelter, clothing/shoes). If you're saying that there will always be people who live in abject conditions, you aren't the kind of person that they want at UND. I won't argue the fact that there will always be a low, middle, and upper class, but I know for a fact that "lower class" doesn't have to mean "so entirely lacking in finances as to be unable to access basic human necessities," at least in the future.
-Poverty can't be "corrupt," maybe pervasive
-"I learned that while taking a college class" sounds a bit childish
-"encourage kids for a better life" can be worded better; perhaps "encourage children to seek meaningful opportunities and paths towards success and ultimately, happiness"
-"joining gangs, selling drugs, and committing crimes" woooooahh! Where did this come from? It sounds like it has some condescending undertone and I would d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y remove it. Unless another part of your application relates to helping underprivileged or at-risk kids, this one sentence makes you sound pompous and prejudiced. Not all kids who live in poverty--which contributes for a massive amount of the world's population--join gangs and sell drugs.
please do not submit this!!! I agree with majnoun, poverty can be eliminated. A reallocation of resources could definitely end or at least mitigate the damage done to families who don't have access to basic elements of living - water, food, shelter. That's possible.
Honestly I think you should choose a different topic! You are a strong writer and it sounds like you are a great, thoughtful person - but I think that can better be reflected in something else
