Hey. Could someone please review this for me? (correct spelling, grammar, word flow and readability, etc.) And could you tell me if you think this is what an admissions officer would want to read? Or should I write about something else? Thank you.Please write an essay (500 words or less) on a topic of your choice that demonstrates your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself. Some ideas include writing about: a person you admire; a life-changing experience; or your viewpoint on a particular current event.
I'm not exactly sure how to make it more organized, but I tried my best; this is my next draft:
"Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool." Jane Hirshfield, in the poem "Woman in Red Coat," believed that there were certain things in life people would never be able to understand. Based on my own experiences, I feel that this sentiment, that the world consists of unexplainable phenomena people spend their entire lives pondering, holds truth.
Upon entering high school, I commenced tutoring children throughout my community. As a member of the American middleclass, I had always felt it was a responsibility of mine to assist others in need, and one way I accomplished this was through my service to students.
Weeks after school had begun, I encountered a girl who had just moved into the neighborhood. Her mother asked me to work with her, hoping that her eleven-year-old daughter would make significant improvements in math and science. During the time I spent with this girl, the two of us became much closer than I had expected. She was just a year younger than I was, and we quickly went from instructor-and-pupil to friends, and because of this, I was devastated when I finally discovered that this child had been diagnosed with leukemia.
Acknowledging her deteriorating state, I was thrown into a state of confusion. I found it difficult to believe that a child of her vitality was fated to die. Why had God chosen to terminate her life so quickly, to bestow upon her this callous curse? I wanted to attempt to unravel life's numerous mysteries.
In my search for answers, I became more aware of global injustices. Innocents died routinely from hunger, disease, and murder. Abortions and miscarriages eradicated fetuses before they could even take their first breaths. There was no prudence, no rationality in deciding who was to live and who to die. Certain things just "happened." They were beyond human cognizance, and for this reason, people spent their days contemplating, attempting to discern the unknown.
Questions are a necessary part of life. People desire to know things they cannot comprehend, and as a result, they interrogate. My own experiences and subsequent questions have made me aware of life's fragility, and, as I write this, the girl I still consider a close friend is in the hospital, going through something unimaginable to me but perfectly aware, as she had been since the moment the doctors told her she had a few months to live, that life could easily be taken and was meant to be cherished. It is a universal value, something many spend their entire lives trying to decipher. People question, and although they do not receive distinct replies, their quests for truth define them as human, even if they are left with unanswered questions that become cold stones in one's pocket, to be carried forever.
I think the ending is still a bit iffy, but I wanted to relate it back to the quote... =\