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'quiet afternoon in the area' - common app on inspiration

Dii 6 / 24  
Oct 6, 2011   #1
This is my essay for the common app. I'm not sure what section it falls under or If it is a good college essay or not .I'm international so its kind of difficult. I'd like if you could read and tell me your opinions.And I'd specifically like

It was a rather quiet afternoon in the area.The sun was setting early and the wind was blowing gently.I decided to take a stroll so I could draw some inspiration from anything to start my mid-term projects.

I walked past a few blocks then further down, I was quickly reminded by the appaling stench that I was in Lagos city.My mood altered a bit but I was determined to keep an open-mind.

A careful step after another,I dodged potholes and little puddles of dirty water.Along the road I stoped here and there to greet a carpenter or say 'ekunse' (well done) to a hair dresser or a tailor.At the end of the road,I did not feel quite certain I had found the sort of inspiration I needed so I decided to take a left turn to Keffi street.

As usual it was laddened with noise from car horns and bargaining traders.Today it was unusually crowded for an afternoon so I decided to head back home back. As I sat trying to recover from the long walk,I kept thinking of all the men and women I had encountered on the road.From the woman meticulously twisting and curling strands of hair with her fingers to the carpenter using crude implements to the fish sellers bargaining skillfully with their customers all I felt was admiration.

These people worked hard day in day out to make sure there was food on their tables instead to complaining of the gross unemployment in the country or the government's inabilty to provide them with electricity and basic amenities.I felt blessed to be a part of such people and I formed an inner conviction to possess that quailty of the society.Come whatever troubles there may be I am going to work hard like the people of my country and hopefully one day be in a position to give back to them ,put smiles on the faces of her citizens.
Rechy 11 / 73  
Oct 6, 2011   #2
Your essay is quite developed you need to write more on your connection to what you saw on that fateful day and why it matters to you.

I made some few corrections in the last paragraph.

Please leave feed backs on my essays; it would be highly appreciated.

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