UF Essay
400-500 words
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
It is 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You could feel the humidity in the air and the dew on the grass as we scattered our bags and shoes on the tarp. That was what it felt like on a usual race day. However this day was different. It was 7 AM and the sun was beating. My father and I walked into a room as I tried to find my name, among 30 sheets of paper with nothing but names and numbers on them. I found my name and my number, 15458. I realize I am at the end of the group, noting that there are 15457 runners in front of me. In my mind however, it was me, myself and I running the largest 15K in the USA.
The inclusion of sports in my high school life made it instantly vibrant. Football games seemed to top it all. However, I wanted to join a sport that would challenge me the most. For me, I enjoyed running and wanted to build my endurance. Cross country enabled me to challenge myself, and I automatically fell in love with the sport and the team. The bigger the races, the more I enjoyed them. The sheer sounds of horns and applause helped the pain ease out. That morning of the Gate River Run, I calmed my butterflies with water and stretched. Eventually, the gun sounded and ''Chariots of Fire" started playing. All I could see in front was heads bobbing up and down as they ran and eventually I took off. The first mile seemed like forever, but bands at every mile helped me to keep going. Houses we passed even sprayed water on us as we passed. Wendy's cups were all over the ground and you would see runners in eye-popping costumes: A running banana, a running ape, a running hot dog - however there were runners in proud uniforms: Jaguar players, and most importantly, firemen. They were dressed from head to toe in costume and did not stop. They were the runners I greatly looked up to that day.
From all the runners and supporters that day, to my family and friends my dedication has never grown short. Through my hard AICE classes in school, there have been times where I wanted to stop, but I did the work and it paid off down the road. My race helped me realize how much honor we truly give to the men and women fighting, and at that time, I was volunteering at the local hospital in different departments. I worked in the Radiology department, filing x-rays and helping with medical records; The endoscopy department, observing colonoscopys; and participated in the Pharmacy department, helping to distribute drugs and prescriptions. I believe everyone who enters college starts like a runner at the line with butterflies. Having the privlege of living in the UF community would help me enable my skills of dedication, persistence, support, and to cross the finish line proudly.
I must say - very interesting. This has a successful introductory paragraph that attracted me and kept me reading. You pictured a scene which made me feel curious.
However, I think you need to put more efforts into developing the connection between your significant experience and college experience. In this essay, you gave readers some trivial facts but didn't connect them very well.
I was wondering how your race helped you realize the honor that people truly give to the men and women fighting?
Just my piece of advice. :)
It is 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You could feel the humidity--- keep the verb tense consistent and see how it sounds nicer... like this:
It is 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You can feel the humidity...
or
It was 5:30 AM, and the sun has not risen yet. You could feel the humidity...
Here, you switch again:
I realize I am at the end of the group, noting that ...
do it this way instead:
I realized I was at the end of the group, noting that...
The inclusion of sports in my high school life made it instantly vibrant.--- cool use of 'vibrant'
Okay, you have a great style of writing. I am excited about how much it can improve if you choose a verb tense and stick to it.
Now, get inspired, read the whole essay again, muster some creativity, and rewrite this sentence:
From all the runners and supporters that day, to my family and friends my dedication has never grown short.
:-)
