Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story
I like race. I don't mean that I want to be a fast runner in 100-meter dash, although I am a sport man. What I like actually is to race with the fastest thing in this world, time, a endless and cannot-lose competition for me to run.
In 2003, my father failed in stock market. As the eldest son, my father refused to ask helps from relatives and started frequently leaving home, during next eight years, to find business opportunities for redemption. As my mother always said at that time, "things always go worse", in 2006 fall, my grandma was diagnosed with malignant lymphoma. My mom, therefore, need stay with my grandma in advanced hospitals in Guangzhou. The only thing my parents told me was that I need learn how to take care of myself, when in home alone. By occasionally, inadvertently hearing the my parents' furious conversation, however, I realized what happened. I knew that I had to be ignorant and let my parents don't worry about me.
I had to assume most the housework at that time. It is little bit exorbitant for a ten-year-old kid who had never done much housework. With lots of time occupied by housework, I started losing paces with courses in school, but I couldn't let my academic performance tell my parents that I was impacted by the current condition. The competition began, but I gave in. I abnegate my time with friends and on entertainments, in order to have extra time for academy. I succeed in academy, but fell in quagmire.
In school, I felt that I gradually lost topics to chat with my classmates. I could only sit in my seat alone. After three months, I noticed that my classmates started talking about me. In their conversations, I was mute, freak and nerd. When they were more aware of my physical features, they gave me well-known names: wild man and Bigfoot. At first, my responded to these insults with anger and violation, but what I did matched their expectation and brought me more furious insults. I wanted to but couldn't ask help from teachers, because through them my parents might know what happened on me and then worried about me. I need count on myself.
The reason for this predicament, I knew, was that I didn't try to race with time and let it freely deprive things from me. I couldn't give in any more; instead, I must race with it. I started making rigid schedule to follow and recording the time I spend doing housework and study everyday. Meanwhile, I was racking brain to figure out ways to finish things more efficiently. I created "singing memory", putting terms, poetry and formula in rhythms shaped in my mind, to enable myself to memorize things in shorter time. After learning basic physics, I used dry rag to grate broom-head in order to let it carry charge, a excellent way, I once believed， which could allow me clean dust fast. With those efforts, I allowed free time to occupy space on my schedule. Finally, I surpassed the time. I not only got back my relationship with peers, but also learned about a meaningful skill.
Now, things have been settled down, and my parents come back home, but the competition is still processing. I keep adding things in my schedule to challenge time. I am in charge of several school events and two clubs, take internship and part-time job, and have crucial position in student counsel. What I experienced in my early life allow me to be a competent rival with time and to keep the balance between all those things. This competition is continuing, and it will be continuing.
Bowen, this type of essay asks you to either pick one of the topics or all of the topics to discuss in your essay. If you happen to have an opportunity to connect all 3 in your essay then you should go ahead and do so. Otherwise, it doesn't really matter if you skip one or two characteristics in your essay. Sometimes, just concentrating on one works very well for the essay. For others, 2 topics helps build a better picture of who they are. In your case, I think you wrote the perfect essay based upon your background and identity that is quite vital to your development as a person.
Maybe your brother would have approached this essay differently. That is why he felt like you needed to develop the skill aspect a bit more. you have to understand that your idea regarding how to write this essay is different from your brothers. That is why there is a difference in opinion between the two of you. Just because he thinks you should have written the essay a particular way, doesn't mean that you did not do well in your essay. It just means that he has a different idea regarding how to best answer this essay when compared to yours.
The only person who can really assess if you have any shortcoming in the way this essay has been written is the person who originally wrote it. That means you. If you are satisfied with what you have written and you know that you have done your best to satisfy the prompt requirements then rest assured that the essay you wrote is the best that it can be. You of all people should know if the essay represents what the prompt requires. So if you are confident in your work, then the opinion of others really doesn't matter.
Bowen, I'll post my comments and revisions below :-)
Par. 1:
I like TO race. I don't mean that I want to be a fast runner in THE 100-meter dash, although I am a sportS man. What I like actually is to race with the fastest thing in this world, time, aN endless and cannot-lose competition for me to run.
Par. 2:
My mom, needed to stay with my grandma in hospitals in Guangzhou TO CARE FOR HER. The only thing my parents told me was that I needed to learn how to take care of myself, when home alone. Occasionally I could hear my parent's furious conversation. I knew that I had to be ignorant and make sure my parents don't NEED TO worry about me.
* Explain why your parents were fighting and why you felt that you needed to make sure that they did not worry about you.
Par. 3:
I started struggling in my academy IN SCHOOL,
The competition AGAINST TIME began , but I lost the first round.
I felt that I gradually lost commonalities with my classmates. I could only sit in my seat alone .
At first, my I responded to these insults with anger,
but couldn't ask for help from MY teachers, because through them my parents might know FIND OUT what happened
Par. 4:
I didn't try to race with time and I did allowED it
In school, when having any FACING A difficult question,
I created THE "singing memory",
I allowed SOME free time to occupy space on my schedule.
Par. 5:
I have AN internship and part-time job, and I have a crucial position in the student counsel.
