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My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family)


Leeloo26 1 / -  
Mar 7, 2009   #1
Hello!

I am so happy that I found this web site. English is not my native language so it is very difficult for me to write essays.

I would be more than glad to receive any kind of feedback on this essay.

Thank you so much for creating this web site.

The Topic

1.If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?


The essay should be no longer than 500 words.

Late at night, my racing mind filled with worries regarding my future, kept my eyelids open. The ticking of each passing second, rung in my ears,I got up and went outside. Far in the sky, blinking lights of an airplane caught my eye,and suddenly, flashback of my life appeared in my mind. I spent happily seven years of my childhood in Uzbekistan, where I was surrounded with loving relatives and friends."Your father and I decided to move to Israel", my mother said to me one day. This was just a beginning of my continuing journey of difficulties, opportunities and accomplishments.

In my childish imagination, I associated immigration to Israel like an exciting adventure to a new world. In August 1999, for the first time, I saw palm trees, the Mediterranean Sea and new culture. I lived in this land full of optimism for five years. Despite terrorist acts and wars, people carried on with their life. When war began in Iraq,people carried gas masks everywhere. Instead of fire and hurricane drills, my school conducted biological warfare drills to determine the length of time taken for evacuation.An ordinary day in Israel could end up in a terrorist act. Everyday I prayed to God to bring my parents home safely from work. Because of these experiences, I am more aware of how difficult it must be for people who live in such violence filled countries.

Only four years ago, I crossed the Atlantic Ocean on a plane with my parents. As soon as we arrived to the airport in New York, we experienced the language barrier. While we were registering for our green card, the plane to our final destination,Orlando, Florida, left without us. We felt despondent and lonely. With my very poor English,at only thirteen years old,I tried to explain our situation to people, while they chuckled and belittled me. When I finally arrived in Palm Coast, I went to the middle school. Everyday after school, I cried because the teachers did not understand me; other students mocked me; no one could help me and consequently I received poor grades. Those four hellish months, made me realize that in this life I can only count on myself, and I have continually strived to improve my English. In 2005, I started high school. There ESOL class gave me the foundation to improve my English ,and teachers always were ready to help me. I started with low level courses ,and each year I challenged myself with more rigorous ones. This year I am taking Advanced Placement classes ,and I was honored as the Senior of the Month.

Looking back at my immigration journey, I realize that it was only a preparation for accomplishing my American Dream. My experiences from the three countries I have lived in, developed qualities in me that would help me to surmount many challenges in the future. I have the will power and the intelligence to achieve my dreams. Attending the University of Central Florida is the next step in my continuing journey to success.
Gautama 6 / 133  
Mar 7, 2009   #2
I like how this blends the two topics together into one flowing narrative.

Maybe you should try to talk more about how college will mean alot to you because you only have one sentence that talks about this. I see that you have 506 words so you might have to cut some stuff out. It just depends what you think the reader will want to read about. (I'm sure they would like to hear about how cool you think their college is!)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 8, 2009   #3
Late at night m y racing mind, filled with worries about my future, kept my eyelids open. The ticking of each passing second somehow hurt my ears. I got up and went outside.

In my childish imagination, I associated immigration to Israel with excitement and adventure in a new world.

Wow, nice job with this! The corrections I made above are not really corrections -- just my ideas about it. Take it or leave it.

You have an impressive story! Perhaps at the end you can speak directly about "how it shaped who you are," using those words to show that you are answering the question.
flight23 4 / 31  
Mar 22, 2009   #4
In my childish imagination, I associated immigration to Israel like an exciting adventure to a new world. In August 1999, for the first time, I saw palm trees, the Mediterranean Sea and [a] new culture. I lived in this land full of optimism* for five years. Despite [acts of terrorism] and wars, people carried on with their life. When war began in Iraq, people carried gas masks everywhere. Instead of fire and hurricane drills, my school conducted biological warfare drills to determine the length of time taken for evacuation. An ordinary day in Israel could end [with] a terrorist act. [Every day], I prayed to God to bring my parents home safely from work. Because of these experiences, I am more aware of how difficult it must be for people who live in [countries plagued by violence].

* What is full of optimism? You or the land? Make it clear.

Everyday is an adjective meaning mundane or regular. Every day means... every day!

I fixed the last part of the last sentence since yours was a bit awkward.


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