Can someone help me fix my mistakes?
Also, is this a good essay for the common app background story? - Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Is there anything I should add or improve upon?
Any way to make it shorter, 650 words?
__________ in the essay = Location or school name
Thanks!
When I was younger, my mom would tell me "We may not have enough money but we'll always have each other." That was enough for me. I didn't care for fancy amenities, and even when my parents did not earn sufficient money to pay for services such as electricity, you would find a smile on my face when my siblings and I played soccer -empty plastic bottles substituted the traditional ball.
Eventually, I was able to gather enough bottles to duct-tape them into a soccer goal. Seeing that it would glide away when the wind blew, I deposited dirt in the bottles that served as the base. The lack of resources and the use of what others considered waste to embody my idea, gave me a better understanding of the deceptiveness of what my mind deduced to be a material limitation.
At school, though more was readily available to me, I felt truly limited. Having faulty English skills only magnified the humiliation that I lived when I was forced read out loud and my peers laughed at my accent. I quickly developed affection for math, as I did not have to speak, just show. The lack of interaction inhibited me from fully expressing my thoughts, but gradually, I became the Scott Flansburg of my class, and students sought my assistance.
In 6th grade, the self-confidence I fabricated was sullied, when Mr. Matthew stated that because of my skin color, I was more likely to end up "six feet under the ground or behind bars," than in college. I became ambitious; I had to be one of the six students in my class that, he claimed, would seek higher education. The separation of my family because of my parent's divorce, nailed to my favorite teacher's pugnacious words, opened my eyes to the illusive idea of family, community, and principles no longer being able to quench my happiness - as a result an unappeasable hunger for wealth grew within me.
Thanks to this resolve of climbing through the social pyramid, I was able to work my way to admittance at a Jesuit high-school, the sole person from my middle school. This is where I received my first computer. Seeing my friends fall like flies to Mr. Matthew's words, I used this computer to reach new academic pinnacles increasingly gaining thrust and ultimately reaching all the AP and Honors classes available to me.
To succeed at _________, I often found myself walking miles in the dark, by myself, through the desolate streets of ___________ to reach the local McDonald's. There I was able to use the internet to do my homework, and regularly checked to see if there were things on craigslist that I could get for free and resell. Using this method, I was able to replace my brothers' torn shoes and buy them materials for school. Predictably, I used a downloaded computer program to sketch drafts of the projects I hoped to bring to life. I also began to learn programming languages. The thought of using a computer creatively to craft errorless programs which made my life easier and provided a distraction, regardless of the instability around me, became dreamy to me. By this time I knew I wanted to have an impact on others by making something of myself through the use technology and engineering. Even so, I strived to be vulnerable, and continued participating in everything __________ had to offer.
Then I had a change of heart. During sophomore year, at a spiritual retreat, I heard the story of my best friend. He also lived in ______________ and experienced similar circumstance to the ones I lived. He brought into perspective the fact that I was not the only one struggling with poverty, family problems, and loneliness. After meditatively analyzing my life, I realized that all I had accomplished would be wasted if I did not dedicate myself to helping others living under similar settings. Soon after, I volunteered at local non-profit organizations. I also found a way of incorporating my passion for innovation by starting a programming club at a low-income middle school, much like the one I came from. Today, I cannot say that I do not pursue wealth just that my understanding of it has changed. Now, my wealth comes from inspiring others and giving back to those who offer me their smile.
I have just a few suggestions for fixing some grammar errors and making it more concise:
"My f aulty English skills only magnified the humiliation when I was forced to read out loud and my peers laughed at my accent."
"I quickly developed an affection for math..."
"In 6th grade, my self-confidence was sullied when ..." (if you say fabricated, it sounds like you faked your confidence)
"one of the six students in my class who would seek higher education."
"The separation of my family from my parents' divorce on top of my favorite teacher's pugnacious words opened my eyes to the illusions of family, community, and principles. Thus, an unappeasable hunger for wealth grew within me." (I recommend coming up with a better way to write this sentence.)
"Thanks to my resolve of climbing up the social pyramid, I became the sole person from my middle school to be admitted at a Jesuit high school, where I received my first computer. "
There are a bunch more places where you can tighten up your essay. Give it a second look and see if you can spot them. Content-wise, I think it's pretty good, though. Good luck!
"After seeing my friends fall like flies to Mr. Matthew's words, I used this computer to reach new academic heights and increasingly gained momentum, ultimately reaching all the AP and Honors classes available to me." (Can you put in some examples of how you used the computer to do all that?)
"I often walked miles in the dark to reach the local McDonald's, where I could use the internet to do my homework and to see if there were things on craigslist that I could get for free and resell. In this way , I was able to replace my brothers' torn shoes and buy them materials for school."
"I used a downloaded computer program to sketch drafts of the projects I hoped to bring to life, and also began to learn programming languages."
"The thought of using a computer creatively to craft errorless programs which made my life easier and provided a distraction, regardless of the instability around me, became dreamy to me." (I'm not quite sure what you mean. You could clear it up by rewording it.)
"By this time I knew I wanted to have an impact on others through technology and engineering. Even so, I strived to be vulnerable , and continued participating in everything __________ had to offer." (Are you sure you want to use the word "vulnerable" here?)
Just keep looking for places you can be more concise and clear up some sentences, and your essay will look great!
By the way, can you take a look at my other essays too? Thanks!
