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"still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality


angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
I would love some general criticism. Also a little bit of cutting would be nice as well- so any suggestions on what I can get rid of or rephrase let me know. Thanks!

What affects the person we become is not the experiences we have, but rather how we perceive them. As an optimist I view the world in a way most people can never imagine. I live my life for the moment and when faced with hardship, I can't help but find the proverbial silver lining.

While walking to the coffee shop my freshman year I crossed the street unsuspecting of the man in the truck whose windshield was fogged up. He did not see me and I was run over by his truck as he turned the corner; the resulting consequence was a contusion in my left ankle. Still in shock, I dealt with the situation and managed to limp about 20 feet further, continuing on in my journey for coffee. My optimism has let me not be hindered by things that block my path, and this situation was no different. While waiting for my coffee, a teacher saw me and I proceeded to explain what happened to both her and the man working. Stunned, my teacher offered me a ride to school but not before the barista gave me my coffee, free of charge. As many would look upon this experience as traumatizing, I see the brighter side. Not only did I receive a free coffee and learn a new word (contusion), but I now had an intriguing story to tell, something I find quite valuable. Although some may consider this perspective pure insanity, I find that life is better when the sun is always shining. For this reason I am proud to be an optimist and see a world of hope rather than one of despair.

In every situation I see the positives, something to gain from the experience. I drive myself two and a half hours south to Vacaville every other Friday night and back north to Redding the following Sunday to visit my Mom for the weekend. My optimistic perspective has allowed me to persevere through the harder times in life, and a long, boring drive is no different. Although I have been making this excursion for six years, it is only my second year making the trip solo. I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude. In addition, when I made the trip with my parents, I got a chance to bond with them that otherwise may not have been possible; we were able to talk free of distractions. This unique experience has allowed me to subdue my hyperactive personality and be proud of the transition I have made into a calmer human being.

I always look for the brighter side of every situation. Although there are many challenges that will come my way in the future, I am sure that my unique perspective will help me to deal with them. Being an optimist has allowed me to understand that everything happens for a reason. My eyes are now open to the world and I can see that the sun is always shinning with the color of life.
essceejay216 4 / 51  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
While many would find this a great inconvenience, I have realized that there are many advantages.

When I made the trips with my parents, who met in Willows, it gave me time to bond with them that otherwise may not have been possible ; we were able to talk free of distractions.

In addition, I also got the chance to have adventures with my Mom that I otherwise would have been unable to havedue to economic circumstances.

Since she did not have to pay for my day to day expenses, we were able to go on vacations and visit new places.This is when my love for big cities and beaches was born.

This unique experience has also led me to learn more about myself .

Through every situation I always look for the brighter side of the situation.
I always look for the brighter side of every situation.

Although I still face hardships,the fact that my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them . gives me pride in my optimism in a society where the majority of people favor cynicism.

Being an optimist has allowed me to understand that everything happens for a reason.

and that even when it rains, when you see the sun, there is still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life. (I don't know how to rephrase this. I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't as clear as it could be.)

overall, i love this essay, especially the second paragraph :)

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)

ps.. could you read mine too?? I could really use the feedback.
OP angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 27, 2010   #3
This is great critique. Thank you.
OP angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 27, 2010   #4
I need to add this is. My counselor wanted me to answer some other stuff in my essay. So I answered his question, but now I need to incorporate it in. I dont want to add everything I wrote, just the essence of how it connects. I just want a few sentences here and there to add it that get this additional point across. Thanks. Also, after making the revisions suggested above I am at 547 words. I do not want to go over 600 words in this essay. THANK YOU TONS AND TONS

So I had one of my counselor's read the essay and this is what he said:
"My first suggestion would be to connect the experience of optimism to your journey to college. How have the experiences you speak about connect to your ability to succeed in college? Connectivity of your experiences is important because ...

...
swtlildee 5 / 19  
Nov 27, 2010   #5
Nice :)

I just have one comment that I thought of:

"I was run over by a car my freshman year in high school. The driver did not see me walking and ran over my left ankle causing a contusion."

What a crazy thing to happen! I think you could convey your feelings during the accident by making it more descriptive and shocking and unexpected for the initial sentence or so (it'd draw the reader in more, I think). Just a thought. :)
OP angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 27, 2010   #6
Good Point. I'll see what I can do. I'm working on cutting down my word count and descriptions will make that hard. I think your right though, I should definitely use that shock value to stand out. Thank you. =)
essceejay216 4 / 51  
Nov 28, 2010   #7
As far as tying in how your outlook on life translates to being successful in college, I do not think that you actually need to include that story about the school newspaper. It is not really a good example of how your optimism works for you, it's more of an example of how determined you are. Plus, it's a really long story and you have your word count and everything.

You could change the sentence "Although I still face hardships, my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them." with something like: Although there are many challenges that will come may way in the future, my optimistic perspective will help me to deal with them.

Something like that. I know that it's not the greatest sentence in the world, but it's an idea..

Hope I helped a little :)
eternal89 2 / 4  
Nov 28, 2010   #8
It' s pretty good, work on grammar little bit and you will be fine.
essceejay216 4 / 51  
Nov 28, 2010   #9
I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude.
intrinsic means natural, or inherent. therefore, you cannot learn intrinsic solitude. i get what you are trying to say, but try to be more clear. You could probably say something like: From this solitary drive, I have learned the value of true peace. Or something like that.

This unique experience has allowed me to subdue my hyperactive personality and be proud of the transition I have made into a calmer human being.

This sentence seems to be out of place. It isn't cohesive with the rest of the essay. You kind of went off to another subject. Instead of supporting your optimism, it seems like you veer off into how you became a calmer person. Maybe it would make more sense if you put this sentence immediately after [the revised version of]the sentence "I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude."

My eyes are now open to the world and I can see that the sun is always shinning with the color of life.

"shining" is spelled wrong.

"my eyes are now open to the world" implies that you are just now becoming optimistic about things and i don't think that this is what you are trying to relay.

in addition, i think that you should really be more straightforward with this statement. say what you really mean in plain speech.
Kiraw - / 10  
Nov 28, 2010   #10
This essay is pretty good! It's a unique topic and kind of unexpected.

The only suggestion I have is that you maybe show how you were optimistic about things other than getting free coffee and a cool story to tell people. <--- that seems kind of...I don't know...shallow? Like now you can go brag to kids at your school that you got "run over"? I know that was not your intent at all, I'm just trying to be honest about how it came off to me. I would maybe say that whole incident made you feel optimistic by showing you how lucky you were for not getting hurt worse, how you appreciate life all the more, etc.... If you want to still keep it light-hearted, maybe just delete the part about the "intriguing story" you now had to tell.

Hope that helped!!
OP angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 28, 2010   #11
Thanks. These are great points that I didn't realize. I'll make the changes now.
OP angelusfanatic 3 / 14  
Nov 28, 2010   #12
So i changed my last sentence to "My eyes are open to the world and I know that whatever difficulties I come across in college and in life I may not be prepared for, but I'll always be able to deal with."
essceejay216 4 / 51  
Nov 29, 2010   #13
That's a run-on sentence. I don't think I get what you mean by "My eyes are open to the world" either. Maybe you could change the sentence to something like "I know that I will come across difficulties in the future, but my outlook on life ensures that I will be able to deal with them."

And make sure that you don't have a lot of contractions in your statement, like "I'll".


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