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I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY

mariespeaks 1 / 3  
Jul 16, 2013   #1
Hello! I am a graduating student from highschool and I need your help! I was asked to submit an essay together with my college application form (specifically, for ATENEO DE MANILA UNIVERSITY) following the theme (see Subject) You can post your comments and constructive criticisms regarding my work! And I do admit I need some help since I can be 'tacky' with grammar!

I believe that the things that had happened in the past - even the things that are happening in the present - will contribute to even greater things, most especially to the future us. I, myself, didn't realize that until today.

As I would like to describe myself, I am the kind of girl who cannot be defined. I dare to be different; an enthusiast of many things. I take passion from the very nest of my soul and apply it to my interests. I am an appreciator of life and its goodness. I am an amateur writer, aspiring musician, abstract doodler, gun shooting rookie, and intellectual geek. I also like to think that I am an advice giver. I dream to be an inspirational figure to the youth, and most of all, to be the best I can be. I am more than grateful to say that I am now healed. The trials and errors in the past have helped shape me into a better and happier person I am today.

Starting with, I spent my childhood life in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Having lived there helped me learn to adapt to different kinds of foreign cultures. I have become friends with different races, tasted various kinds of Western dishes, and heard a whole new range of music that may or may not be the same with my very own taste. Despite of having exposed to a diverse kind of society, I still managed to put up with my own customs and traditions. My parents raised me to be familiar with my motherland that is the Philippines. I have the likeness and traits of a pure Filipino.

Growing up, I had my downfalls just like anybody else. Experiencing depression at an early age, I have committed the mistake of not believing in myself. I let my failures leave a negative effect on me, instead of using them to accomplish better change. I had always thought that life generally sucked, but I discovered what false statement that is. I remember my father's message to me, "If you just look around you are more blessed than most, so be happy and enjoy life. Sometimes obstacles and failures need to frustrate us so we could learn to think of ways to go through it. It yields a smarter and stronger you in the future." I couldn't agree more to this statement. I learned to overcome the state I had been in, as I finally let the light of positivity flow into the very core of my heart. I'd woken up from my false beliefs big thanks to the people who have always been there by my side. This has been a learning curve for me. As I see myself now, I knew that these experiences have well paid off.

In school, I've always been a consistent honour student. Even having encountered problems relating to other things, I am proud to say that I have never failed to commit myself into my studies. I have natural interest in learning. This has helped me acquire the status of being Valedictorian. My parents held a celebration party for me the very next week after graduation. I must say that I have never felt real good before, because on that day I actually felt people gave me recognition. Because of that, I continued striving more not just on my studies, but also on other things I could be good at. New interests piled up, soon I wanted to learn more things and become engrossed in them.

I also learned a lot with my past relationships with some people. People do come then leave. In my younger times I didn't know how to feel about that. I couldn't really remember how we all grew apart, but I noted to myself that these people had all left me lessons. It's also pretty absurd to think that I had been once a people-pleaser. There were just times I got too far being the nicest one, and now I have realized that it's not a very smart way to deal with people. I mean, why would you let yourself be the national doormat that anyone could just step on? C'mon, that's just cruel! It was crazy, but that was just because my old, naive self didn't know any further.

Just a year ago, we moved back to the Philippines. I never would've thought that it could be such a life-changing decision! Having to be in a new social atmosphere has helped me greatly to become a more productive person. I met lots of incredible, thought-provoking people who have inspired me to no extent and discovered different kinds of views and opinions I never would have been exposed to. I have become more spoken of myself and my opinions.

In the near future, I see myself as a professional medical doctor. I would like to try to cure the incurable. I am very much interested with all the works of being a doctor. Personally, I want this because of the satisfaction and gratitude I could get from it. I do promise to myself, if I become a doctor I'd still try to give myself enough time for other things. If time would allow, I'd be a part time musician. I know from my heart and in my soul that if I didn't get to pursue a career in medicine, I'd get a music career. Of course, to get my dream job I need to get to college first. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I believe that a prestigious school like Ateneo de Manila University will help me reach my goals and help me discover more what I can offer.

jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 16, 2013   #2
There are several issues that need attention, but let's start by making this into your own essay by removing the cliches:

come out of my shell
speaking out
big deal
didn't bother
comfort zone
finally sunk in
Looking back
things happen for a reason

No doubt, there are others.

You didn't invent these phrases, so they don't belong in your essay.
OP mariespeaks 1 / 3  
Jul 17, 2013   #3
let's start by making this into your own essay by removing the cliches:

Sir, thank you for your prompt response! :) Did you mean I need to replace these words with better ones?
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 17, 2013   #4
I mean that you need to replace them with different words that express the same ideas.
marecrowley 3 / 23 2  
Jul 17, 2013   #5
I'm sorry in advance if I appear blunt; I'm just trying to help you :) Honestly, this was kind of painful for me to read. You are missing the excitement factor in this essay. I think it's mostly the tone; make sure you speak and sound like YOU! Remember, admissions are looking at this from a standpoint, "Do I want this kid to come to my school? Will they make a good friend, student, classmate, etc?" So, add personal details and try to make yourself come across more. By removing the cliches you are off to a good start. Remember, don't use someone else's words, be YOU! At this point I would get rid of the cliches, and then I'll take a look at it again and make further corrections.
OP mariespeaks 1 / 3  
Jul 18, 2013   #6
I mean that you need to replace them with different words that express the same ideas.

Okay, I will do so thank you! :) Are there any grammar corrections I need to make?

I'm sorry in advance if I appear blunt; I'm just trying to help you :)

Thank you don't worry I appreciate it! Regarding that I'm considering removing some details to make it sound rather less dull/sad.. :)) Any suggestions?
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 18, 2013   #7
Okay, I will do so thank you! :) Are there any grammar corrections I need to make?

In the conventional sense, your grammar and punctuation are fine despite a couple errors.

In the stylistic sense, there are tons of things that require attention. However, they're pretty subtle and this isn't the place for a grammar/syntax/sentence variety class.

Neither of us should waste time with these issues until the content is as strong as possible, and this always starts with vocabulary. This is why those cliches must disappear.
OP mariespeaks 1 / 3  
Jul 21, 2013   #8
Thank you so much! I will try to improve my essay! I think I will eliminate unnecessary parts, too (taking marecrowley's advice)

The new one will be posted soon!

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