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Even The Most Random Decisions Can Cause A Major Turn In Your Life


itukuboy 1 / 1  
Dec 17, 2019   #1
TOPIC: Discuss an accomplishment, event or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others

Good evening Everyone

please I need help with my

Common app personal statement

, am not good at writing but I will be pleased to accept any correction or ideas and more

Thank you!


Good Day Ma!
I would like to change from G to C-class.

That was me making the most random decisions of my life, not knowing why, my counselor was shocked, her face turned pale immediately and she got worried as if I had brought a piece of bad news to her, after some minutes of confrontation, she finally asked: "Are you sure"? This is the worst class in school and you're a good student. Being shocked at myself and the decision I had made I replied yes. Not minding the implications and opinions of others, I ventured into my new class. Everyone was shocked on my arrival, as I gently walked into the class, thousands of thought rolled my mind, I began to ask myself if this is what I wanted, being among the best students in school, G-class would have been the best for me, but having stayed there for a while, I needed to understand myself and my calling.

My first impression of C-class was bad, students and loud noise, no one reading a very huge difference already between the two classes, a teacher had just left the class angrily because of the noise caused by some students, she reported the class to the soldiers and we had a mass punishment, being my first punishment ever, I was so scared I had to point out the culprits, while it seemed normal for what a typical G-class student would do, it was obsessed by a C-student, I was exempted from the punishment, but despite that the other student still insisted on serving the punishment together, contrary to what I knew, I had never seen students stand for each-other before. I was filled with this thought of selfishness and ego, but after staying awhile in class alone, I realized the difference between selfishness and selflessness, I had just done something terrible, and I have to amend it then I stood up and returned to the field to join my classmates serve the punishment TOGETHER, despite the resentment they all had for me, they still welcomed me with open arms.

I joined them to kneel under the fierce sun, at first it was unbearable, but as minutes past, everyone had a story or joke to tell that made all laugh, at some point I forgot we were serving military punishment, though I was quite all through but I couldn't stop my teeth from shining under the blazing sun. This is different from a typical me but I was happy there, I understood life better under the sun that day, as I watched other student laugh, smile and even complain I realised that life isn't a competition and most times it's not what you have that matters but what you have around you.

As time went on I began to associate with the other students and better understand them being one of the best in the class, I made out a separate session to teach those who were finding some subject difficult, while G-student were reading and competing against each other, we stood and helped each other, we became our backbones. In this class, I had my first punishment, but I learned that life is literary choices and challenges: that we should always be free with ourselves, be whom we want to be, and when we go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. I call us the Pacesetters because we became standards, despite called the worst, for others to learn and adopt.

From this, I learned that first impressions are not always correct and in life change happens only when people get involved, engaged and come together to demand it and even after three years I still believe this and it has shaped me to be more self-aware and intentional with my efforts to leave all things better than I found them.

Maria - / 1,099 389  
Dec 19, 2019   #2
@itukuboy
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on the writing you've posted.

While I appreciate the story-telling in the first paragraph, you should have stuck with conventional writing patterns to create more clarity. It is imperative that you aren't misunderstood in the first parts, especially since you have so much detail to work with. Make shorter sentences. Capitalize on using more periods instead of commas, considering that certain parts of the essay called for the former than the latter.

Even though the conclusion held onto a specific value/trait that you wanted to promote, try to incorporate this formatting of writing throughout the rest of the essay. You need to be pushing for a very specific virtue that would serve as the foundation for writing. Without this, you are merely doing a story-telling without proving how necessary it is for the evaluators to look in-depth into the writing itself.

Ensure that you read up on the fundamentals of writing. The grammar, sentence composition, and the usage of punctuation are all staggeringly obvious mistakes throughout the rest of the writing too.
OP itukuboy 1 / 1  
Dec 21, 2019   #3
@Maria
Thank you so much, am an international student and writing isn't my strength at all but I would make corrections

but what your general opinion on the essay, I want to apply to Stanford with it.


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