Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
I've never met him, he doesn't know that I exist, and even the most reckless junk-bond investors would hesitate to bet on any ties between us. Perhaps, the six degrees of separation provides the only link between us. But nevertheless, he challenged me.
A couple summers ago, to pass time, I was browsing Youtube and came upon a clip titled "time management," that is if a seventy five-minute long segment can really be considered a clip. And sure, I had three months to myself and was rather bored at the moment. But did i seriously want to embark upon an hour-long commitment to hear some professor advise me on how to better utilize my time? Considering that my aim was to find a quick laugh, it wasn't the most appealing choice. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a chance; it had near a million views, and the ratings were far superior than what I had expected, so why not?
While waiting for the video to load, I convinced myself to keep an open mind. Truthfully though, I probably wished for the video to become so overwhelmingly unbearable that I could justify closing it without feeling I had prematurely aborted something of value. However, as he began his lecture, I couldn't help but laugh. And no, it wasn't the type of nervous laughter evoked out of pity for the poor guy, but rather it was spontaneous and spurred me to think. I admit that I'm guilty of stereotyping, but normally you don't expect a Carnegie Mellon production or a computer science professor to be quite so witty. But then, like the sudden road block that appears before you, requiring you to swerve and apply emergency brakes, he revealed that he had pancreatic cancer, an impeding death sentence to be executed in less than a year.
As he continued his presentation, I admit that I had somehow forgot about his terminal illness. Besides the immediate shock that occupied my mind when he first revealed this, his composure and passion stripped us of any opportunity to pity or commiserate him. Although he is a far more eligible candidate than most for throwing a pity fest, he simply refused.
Even though there are probably even more inspirational speakers in this world than aspiring celebrities, he had an unique effect on me. It was as if he placed me on a mechanical bull, jolted me around until i became completely disoriented, led me to suffer a painfully humiliating fall, but in the midst of this, sparked an epiphany in me. I realized that whenever we encounter an obstacle, it seems as if all we are capable of doing is magnifying the problem until everyone we know dwells in our misery as well. As the saying goes, misery loves company, but fortunately Randy Pausch negated this philosophy for me.
Your writing is great! I love how you bring your personality into it and I really get a sense that Pausch made an impact on you. The only advice I would give is to focus a little more on HOW it affected you. You mentioned that Pausch challenged you, but never describe how. Otherwise great job!
I agree with titanswim about how you should mention how it challenged you. But also, it seems a little bit like you were using a thesaurus a lot to find more sophisticated words. That is just my impression, and if that is correct, the people reading your essay will definitely notice it also.
But nevertheless, he challenged me.
I love it! The beginning is great...
But Nevertheless, he challenged me.
Ha ha this is pretty cool. Thanks for contributing to EF,
Even though there are probably even more inspirational speakers in this world than aspiring celebrities, he had an unique effect on me. --- this sentence does not work. I see that you write very well and can fix it... but sometimes we need to have the tough sentences pointed out to us. What are you really trying to say here. Fix this part. Infuse the essay with that meaning.
Thank you for the advice Kevin! I REALLY appreciate it when others point out the flaws they see because that's the only way I can improve. Thank you so much! I appreciate it. :)
However, I have an overall concern about this essay. I'm just worried it doesn't reveal enough about me as a person. I tried to phrase my sentences, etc. and add thoughts, etc. to help the college understand me, but I'm afraid that I'm wasting space with the 2nd/3rd paragraphs because it doesn't reveal much about me as a person. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks!!
reveal much about me as a person
This kind of thing confused me a lot, too, when I was applying for colleges. It is such a strange thing to try to do... reveal yourself as a person. I think this is a bad way to explain what is necessary.
The good way to explain what is necessary is like this: show the reader that YOU understand yourself well enough to HAVE A PLAN, because without a plan you are part of that 75% of students who just go with the flow, being prompted through high school and college by adults.
Revise to take out everything that does not expound your SINGLE, MEMORABLE theme and your clear, detailed PLAN for the next 4 or 5 years. When you are writing about someone who made an impact on you, it is easy to write in terms of your plan, because your plan developed according to the things that have impacted you.
I think you should tell less story and do more to describe your plan.
