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I was rarely exposed to business. ; Common App / DECA


texo 1 / 5 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
My comments and concerns are in bold.

Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

From the core classes offered at school, I was rarely exposed to business. As I entered high school, I sought opportunities that would allow me to peek into the world of business. It was sophomore year and among the extracurricular activities I had decided to join, the business competition club DECA was one which stood out. I participated in the team category of Business Law and Ethics. The competition required knowledge of finance, marketing, business law, economics and accounting. In order to better prepare for the competition, my partner and I met up weekly at the local coffee house for hours on end to perfect our team work in oral presentations and to expand our business knowledge. All our hard work paid off as we were able to move on to the international level of the competition. DECA had an unforeseen impact on my life, allowing me to meet a multitude of people and to fine tune my speaking skills. It motivated me to become a trainer at my chapter in my junior and senior year to help new members excel in the competition through presentation simulations and business lessons.

Concerns:
Flow, grammar, word usage, content, cutting down character count (currently the character count is 1095), I'm finding it hard to try to fit everything I want to say within the character limit, do you think I might have used too many characters to introduce the activity because I realize I didn't use many characters to go into depth about the activity? Any suggestions as to how I should cut it down?

Constructive criticism is appreciated, thank you~
ding377 1 / 29 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
It was sophomore year and among the extracurricular activities I had decided to join, the business competition club DECA was one which stood out.
You could reword this to something like "During sophomore year, I decided to join the business competition club, DECA, because it stood out to me.

Really liked your essay overall. The first 2 lines are good, but you can cut them out if you're trying to get rid of some stuff.

Good luck with the rest of your application! Would you mind looking at my extracurricular response too? Thanks!
OP texo 1 / 5 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
Thank you for your reply, I replied to your extracurricular response too :)

I'm still a little concerned with how I should end mine, it sounds really abrupt with the current ending.
ding377 1 / 29 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #4
Thanks so much!

Maybe you could end it by saying how DECA's influenced your future. Are you planning to major in business now because of it?
hellom 3 / 2  
Dec 30, 2012   #5
. It was sophomore year and among the extracurricular activities I had decided to join, the business competition club DECA was one which stood out.

I dont thin this sentence sounds correct. Overall, good essay!
a608863a 5 / 21 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #6
texo
All our hard work paid off were rewarded (I think "rewarded" is a better word)as we were able to move on to the international level of the competition.


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