Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I started writing this as a joke because I have no idea what to write about, but I think it might have turned out decent. Its a rough draft. Let me know if this kind of writing is a bad idea. I'm going to have to change the first paragraph, but mainly I just want to know if this is a good start or if its just bad all around.
I will comment on yours if you comment on mine :)
I love ravioli. At this very moment, I am eating a bowl of delicious ravioli. How does ravioli relate to me? Are shinbones sophisticated devices meant for finding furniture in the dark? I do not know, but I would like to share with you a short story.
One afternoon, I was doing my homework when I got a sudden craving for ravioli. I went to my freezer to get a bag, and to my dismay, there was no ravioli left. At this point, many people would say "O well, I'll just eat spaghetti instead." This is now what I did however. I did not want spaghetti, I wanted ravioli! Before I continue, I will have you know that unless you consider being able to put toast in a toaster knowing how to cook, I am no chef. So I had a problem. No ravioli, but ravioli was what I wanted. That is when I decided to make it by hand. One might think, how hard can it be? Well the answer is it is hard as studying for a test as droll as the SAT. It took me over three hours to finish the ravioli. Many people would have stopped when they realized they couldn't even crack an egg properly, but not me. When I start something, I finish it.
The point is that when I am faced with a problem I don't cower in fear, and I don't take the easy way round. This is the attitude I take up not only when facing regular day to day problems, but also in my academic life. This self-motivation and work ethic that I have come to possess are what have made me successful in my academic career. Just as with my ravioli dilemma, I stick with problems until they are resolved, or until I find a more interesting problem.
i'm not sure if that kind of writing is a bad idea, i'm very inexperienced...
i just wanted to say that ravioli is plural so it would be "how DO ravioli relate to me" and "there WERE no ravioli left" and so on.
hope this helps and good luck with your essay =)
How many words is the essay? To me it doesn't seem very professional, if you do choose to go with this style and story try to make it sound more mature.
To be frank, I would seriously consider rethinking this paper. UCs do not want creative writing, whatsoever. They want the point made, quickly, clearly, and succintly, and honestly have little time for creativity in their numerous statements.
Good concept, enjoyable, but not what Admissions is looking for.
Try to give them context of your high school years, a genuine reflection.
I agree with genevieveedu. This is an essay that needs a rewrite. The idea isn't bad, and the example could certainly be used in a essay. But the flippant tone and rather abrupt asides ruin the flow of the essay. This needs a rewrite for it to be usable.
I disagree with the other commenters. I think what UCs want IS creativity. NOT to the point where there's no meaning to the essay of course, but UC Admissions offers don't want to be reading something boring. I think it's a great concept. I anticipated more as I was reading, and I didn't catch myself yawning. Always remember that these officers will be reading countless of essays, and if you write an essay this unique it will be an eye catcher. Not that I'm saying that it's perfect the way it is. It definitely is a rough draft, but I think if you work it the right way it can be an amazing essay :) I hope to read any of your future drafts on this topic if you wish to continue with it. Good luck!
Oh don't, don't, DON'T throw it away. Please? It's a breath of fresh air. I love the tone, I think it sets it apart, especially since you get another essay with the UC's to showcase a more formal style and be a little more self-serving. And I also think changing your writing style to fit a college is just a bad idea. Write the way you want, and if they don't want you after that, at least they don't want YOU, and you won't have regrets about being somebody else. I also don't think the length is a problem, the essay feels alright.
Definitely think it's worth the trouble of perfecting. You might want to get the last paragraph in more detail- after all it's a college essay, you ARE trying to sell yourself. They style can do with proofreading of the 'sounding older' variety, but I don't think you should lose the casual-ness of the tone. You're introduction's a bit choppy, but the shin bone sentence made me laugh. I think, more than anything, you should work on the flow of the essay and the thoughts. I think you've got a winner here, but that's just what I think, and I'm no expert.
"or until I find a more interesting problem" I wouldn't end with that. Or even SAY that. It begs the question: what if college doesn't interest you enough? Then what?
Hope I helped!
Yeah, Nisha, good call...
The thing is... the other people are right, too... it can seem like you are not taking it seriously... just get rid of this intro:
I love ravioli. At this very moment, I am eating a bowl of delicious ravioli. How does ravioli relate to me? Are shinbones sophisticated devices meant for finding furniture in the dark? I do not know, but I would like to share with you a short story. This intro is excellent writing, just as the whole essay is.
It is good, inspired writing. You have to get used to recognizing this when it happens. Anything you write from this state of mind is precious. For example...when I was 20, I wrote.. "I see the sky, I see the earth, I am alive, what's it all worth..." and these are simple words, but they come from a special place, a special state of mind.
You tapped into something when you wrote this, and I bet you'll tap into it again lots of times.
Above, I recommend cutting the intro in order to BALANCE this with some very serious discussion of your specific goals as you enact a well-conceived plan pertaining to your professional future. Add content at the end that gets very practical, and you will have yourself a winning essay. :-) Add material at the end that makes this all about your chosen professional field and why you chose it.