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"to reach my goal of becoming a doctor", University of Central Florida Essay

granderrico 1 / 1  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

Here is what i have so far. I want to know if there are any grammar errors and also how i can transition from my first to second paragraph. THANKS!!

For sixteen years of my life, I lived in Oviedo, Florida. I can remember driving past UCF in the backseat of my dad's old car and just imagining me one day becoming a Knight. In 2007, when my family made the move to Georgia, I was devastated that I would not attend the school I had always wanted, that things would change. Well things did change. I have become a much stronger, intelligent and independent young woman and in my search for the perfect college, my choice has not deviated. I have reached the point in my life where I have the chance to attend the school best fit for myself and my needs. Even though I have visited many campuses in Georgia and Florida, not one lives up to my expectations as UCF does. The superior academics, brand new medical school, gorgeous campus, along with the location and weather will all add to my experience in college; an experience I can have because of the determination of my grandparents to overcome adversity. I consider it a blessing that I may have the opportunity to attend the school of my choice, The University of Central Florida, as my relatives did not have the same leisure's.

In 1961, the lives of my grandparents and their four children were altered. They were uprooted from their home in Santiago de Cuba after making the decision to flee to the United States rather then live under communism. As a result of Fidel

Castro's takeover of the Cuban government, they lost everything they had ever worked for. My grandparents may have come to America as refugees from Cuba, virtually penniless, but they came with something more valuable than any possession, their determination to solve problems and prove that America is still the land of opportunity. I have acquired that same determination through them. I have succeeded in all of my undertakings and experienced things in the past few years that many don't experience in a lifetime. I attended The National Youth Leadership on Medicine, traveled around the world, discovered my love for helping people and for the medical field, decided where I want to continue my education; I have learned so much in the process. This is all due to my determination to try new things, solve any problems I am faced with, and thrive in all I do. I will continue to do the same for the rest of my life.

Just recently I've realized that I am about to undergo one of the most drastic transitions of my life; going to college. I see attending college as an opportunity to realize my full potential; an opportunity to use my ingenuity and desire to learn to reach my goal of becoming a doctor. The University of Central Florida stands for opportunity. The University of Central Florida is the right place for me.

it's 478 words and i can have 500.

here is why i want to be a doctor:

My conviction to become a doctor was realized while shadowing a physical therapist at Decatur Hospital. Wearing dark green scrubs and sterile attire, I followed the pt into an impeccably tidy room with a single bed. The bed was placed next to a large window against a plain wall and in it was a frail aged man. The pt explained that the patient had just recently experienced yet another stroke and had not spoken in weeks. While in the room, the man attempted to greet me, but regardless of how hard he tried, the man could not utter a single word. When it was time to move on to the next patient, I looked the man in the eye and said goodbye, and in a final effort to respond, he managed to quiver two words, 'bye Gabby', and with that I just knew I was headed in the right direction.

i cant incorporate it
Mpx Edit Delete Move
Dec 23, 2009 #7
Mpx 3 / 7  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
You spend a lot of your words talking about your grandparents, while it is important to give some background I feel like you are too vague since you only spent around half a paragraph talking about what you have done, but not why you want to be a doctor. Focus more on individual things you have done, and why UCF uniquely will help you achieve those goals.

Maybe you can start off your second paragraph with a question. Ex. How did I end up here?
OP granderrico 1 / 1  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
here is a revised version.

Mpx 3 / 7  
Dec 23, 2009   #4
I think this is better.
Why do you want to be a doctor though? I think if you can squeeze that in somewhere, it would be great.
lowcal 12 / 27  
Dec 23, 2009   #5
very good improvement of your essay. i agree with the above, emphasize more about why you want to be a doctor, how is UCF going to fulfill that for you
Mpx 3 / 7  
Dec 23, 2009   #6
Maybe you can just briefly explain it, ie. "from shadowing a doctor, I was able to meet a man..." but if you cannot fit it in, it is okay.

Also, check over your grammar. ex.
The University of Central Florida, as my relatives did not have the same leisures .

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