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"reaching out to others has benefited me" - Peace Corps admission essay help :)


ansa0031 2 / 7  
Jun 16, 2010   #1
I would love any advice and feedback I can get for this essay, I need fresh eyes to help point out anything that I have missed. I feel my intro paragraph isn't so strong, I'm having difficulty making it sound solid. Thank you in advance!!!

- Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
- How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.
- How you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).

As a college graduate I have discovered how reaching out to others has benefited me. Born and raised in America, I got to live in my parents' home country Pakistan for two years during high school where I got a lot of exposure to the culture. It was a familiar but foreign place, my first experience of mixing into a diverse community and learning to engage with the community I surrounded myself with. After much reflection on what I want to do after college and how I can offer help to others on a global scale, I feel serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer would be a perfect opportunity where I can be part of the process of interacting in a new culture.

As a Cultural Studies major, I recognize the importance of exploring different cultures and have a deep understanding and knowledge of thinking critically and analytically in political, historical, and social contexts. With a Global Studies minor, focusing on global issues let me explore the globalized world and the intercommunication of ideas and people from all over. So knowingly, Peace Corps would be a perfect opportunity to make greater use of my academics. I look forward to not only live in another culture but meet people whom I would never get to interact with back home, putting myself in situations which will help me make decisions which will allow me to grow as a well cultured and global citizen.

The Core Expectations are all challenging yet practical to fulfill. The most challenging one would be the third one, serving in a country where conditions of hardships are likely, requiring me to be flexible. But I know that being on my own and serving the Peace Corps will be worthwhile. I will be immersed in a new environment where I will build new relationships with other volunteers and people in the community I will serve. I always had a strong curiosity of going to unfamiliar places, pushing myself to travel and engage with others from different backgrounds. Though Pakistan is a country under conditions of hardship, I focused on the positive aspects of living there. I represented America as a Pakistani-American by sharing my culture and tradition with classmates and teachers. I got the opportunity to interact with locals, going to places on my own, and learning new skills and ways to communicate with Pakistan's working class. Living in Pakistan helped me develop cross-cultural skills and the ability to improve on my Urdu, quickly learning to read and write it.

It is for that reason the third expectation of the Peace Corps is the one I want to succeed, serving the host country the best way I can. This expectation represents my reasons for wanting to join the Peace Corps and, while I know that the work may prove to be arduous, I have never before looked so readily upon a mission. I would be honored to count myself among a future Peace Corps member.
SnowWolf 4 / 15  
Jun 16, 2010   #2
I always had a strong curiosity of going to unfamiliar places, pushing myself to travel and engage with others from different backgrounds.

I don't understand what are you trying to say in this sentence, I think it would be good if you make a good connection between two parts.

Though Pakistan is a country under conditions of hardship,

Would it be better if it says "country under hard conditions"?

Sorry, I am not a native speaker, so my suggestion would probably suck, I hope I had help =D, and good luck
OP ansa0031 2 / 7  
Jun 16, 2010   #3
SnowWolf

hmm yeah I don't know what to do with the that sentence, I'm thinking about taking it out since it doesn't add anything...the essay is suppose to be 300-500 words long so it's hard to edit when I started out with 700 words!

I changed it to "country under hard conditions"-you are right, it sounds better. Thank you so much! :) you did help!
SnowWolf 4 / 15  
Jun 16, 2010   #4
I am glad that I've help =D
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 17, 2010   #5
Trim away the weak first sentence:
As a college graduate I have discovered how reaching out to others has benefited me.
Just replace this with an inspired sentence, and it will change the whole paragraph. :-)

This next sentence is very good! Maybe the essay could start like this:
I was born and raised in America, I got to live in my parents' home country Pakistan for two years during high school where I got a lot of exposure to the culture. It was a familiar...

...focusing on global issues let me explore the globalized world and the intercommunication of ideas and people from all over.
(new paragraph)
So knowingly, The Peace Corps would be a perfect opportunity ...

This expectation represents my reasons for wanting to join the Peace Corps and, while I know that the work may prove to be arduous, I have ... excellent ending!! You'll be well-received, for sure...
OP ansa0031 2 / 7  
Jun 21, 2010   #6
Thanks Kevin! Really appreciate it. I definitely need to come up with a great inspired first sentence! :)


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