Please help me correct/review my essay! Thank you for your help!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I am sitting upstairs at my parents' party supply store in the heart of the Fashion District of Downtown, Los Angeles. Today is a Sunday-my parents anticipate it to be a busy day because most people do not have to work today. I call for my mom and dad to come up to tell me about their childhood in Vietnam, for inspiration, but they say they are too busy. The second floor is made entirely of a metal platform with holes where you can see the ground below, making it uncomfortable for an acrophobic person like me. Glued to the floor, I looked at the only things that I brought with me: a pen and a piece of paper with the first prompt written on it. I read the question and my face tightened when I saw the one word that stood out to me: family.
I stare into the open space and talked aloud to myself about everything that I felt about that word. Tears poured down my face as I said the first thing that came out of my mouth, "I am...so grateful."
I really am grateful to have been raised in such a loving and caring home. My family has always been there for me every step of the way and helped me with anything I needed. They taught me the important values that shaped me into the person I am today. Growing up, I was taught to be selfless and to always put other before myself. I was told to help with anything I could and to never take money or rewards for my work because helping others comes from the goodness of the heart, and not from incentives. I found myself actively volunteering, not for the sole purpose of earning hours, but because I genuinely enjoyed helping and making the lives of other happier and easier.
My dad comes to check up on me every few minutes or so to ask me how I am doing because he knows that I am afraid of heights and that being on the second floor was a nightmare for me. I peered through the holes on the ground and see my mom boiling hot water. She checks up on me too, asking if I want any tea to drink or fruits to eat because she knows that I like to have snacks when I work. That's the kind of people my parents are. No matter how busy they are, they always put in time for me. No matter how stressed, sad, or gloomy I am, they always manage to make me happy-and that is the person I want to be for others.
I know for certain that I want to have a career in bettering the lives of others. Never in my life have I considered being anything else, but a doctor. I want to become someone who people can come to when they need help. I want to have the honor of having people entrusting me with their saddest and happiest moments. As a doctor, I can heal people. I can make them feel better-I can make them feel happier. No matter how difficult it is to become a doctor, I believe that if you have a dream and a passion for something, the outcome is worth all the blood and sweat you put into it.
Vivian, the essay that you wrote is unique in the sense that you managed to integrate the world that you come from into your development as a person in a highly interesting manner. It is not often that the reviewer will get to know the qualities, traits, and characteristics of their applicant through such a vivid description of her parents. Congratulations on doing that job quite well.
If there are flaws in your essay, I would have to say that it takes a little too long to get to the point. You used too much of the first paragraph setting up the scene for your response instead of going direct to the point. Now, I understand why you had to set up the paragraph in that manner. However, I think that you need to edit the content of that portion in order to immediately draw the attention of the reviewer to the main purpose of your essay, the description of the world that has shaped your dreams and aspirations, the physical world of the family store and the world that your parents raised you in. There also seems to be a slight discrepancy because you say that your parents anticipate Sunday to be a busy day, filled with customers and yet they were able to take time to check in on you. Try to present a specific reason that they were able to do this. Mention something about closing the store for a coffee break or having the other employees come in already so your parents were able to make the time to become available for you. That would fill the hole in the story you are telling.
While your grammar could sometimes be mistaken for that of a native speaker, you seem to have a problem when it comes to using the word "other". In the context of your essay, you should be saying "others" which is the plural form of the word instead of "other" which is the singular form. Watch out for any singular - plural disagreements as those are the only small distractions in your essay. It doesn't affect the narration of the essay, but polishing those little errors can really add to the quality of your essay.
Vivian, aside from the fact that the transition of the essay is very smooth, I must say that you were also able to write your essay with no pressure.
Reading your essay is like reading a story that has a meaning and a dream that is definitely fulfilling.
I'd like to share my thoughts on your grammar and make the necessary corrections if there's any.
- I really am truly grateful to have been
- Growing up, I was taught to be selfless and to always put other first before myself.
- That'sThis is the kind of people my parents are.
- No matter how busy they are, they always put infind time for me.
- I certainly know for certain that I want
- to have a career in betteringto better the lives of others.
- Never in my life have I considered being anythinganybody ( anything is to refer to a thing, anybody is for a person) else, but a doctor.
- I want to become someone who people can come tothat people can count on when they need help.
- I want to have the honor of having people entrusting me with theirbe the trustee of peoples saddest and happiest moments.
- As a doctor, I can heal people. I can make them feel better-I can make them feel happier. No matter how difficult it is to become a doctor, I believe that if you have a dream and a passion for something( becoming a doctor is not just "something", you are going to become a life saver and that's not just something ) , the outcome is worth all the blood and sweat you put into it.
There you have it Vivian, I added a few words and phrases in your essay, for future reference, avoid writing in direct translation, this is when your mother tongue tends to dictate what you think and it transpires to your writing. Practice writing more will help you develop your writing skills.
