Please help me revise my essay for Prompt # 2 Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I want to make sure my essay is fully answering the prompt thank you
Ready, Ok! These are the words that are constantly running through my head day and night. Eat, sleep, cheer is what my life is about. Finding time for homework is nearly impossible. Yet, some how I manage to be involved in school. My sophomore year was coming to an end, but the cheer season was just beginning. I was going on my third year on the varsity team only this time I was Co-Captain. I scanned the gym looking for which of the sixty girls had enough potential to be called a Titan Cheerleader. I was startled by a particular girl. She stood there with a confused look on her face. Her appearance was unlike any other. Her small eyes, patient body and crooked smile left me puzzled. As our eyes met her uneven smile grew as if she saw someone she recognized. For a minute, I wondered if this girl knew where she was. Adriana was not the typical egoistic cheerleader. She was a senior with a heart filled with passion and love pursuing her dream to become a cheerleader. I was only a junior who didn't know much about Down Syndrome besides the little I had learned in Biology. Who knew my first real exposure would be with one of my teammates.
Our first practice as a team was on a sizzling summer morning. As I wiped off the sweat running down my face from the corner of my eye I could see Adriana sitting alone with that same mystified look on her face. Without thinking twice I walked over and began talking to her. From that point on I volunteered to teach Adriana everything she needed to know to become an elite cheerleader. As football season approached my bond with Adriana only grew stronger. Each day I spent hours teaching her cheers and talking to her. Although not everyday was a simple rehearsal. From time to time a cheerleader would say how could you be so patient with someone who's so annoying. Infuriated by their ignorant comments I would attempt to explain the potential I saw in Adriana. But it was no use no one seemed to understand.
Before I knew it the school year was coming to an end and graduation was around the corner. I was no longer able to single out Adriana by her appearance, but instead by her outstanding performance. June 19th came around sooner than I expected. Seeing her walk across stage brought tears to my eyes. It was amazing how a single person could drastically shape my life influencing me to become a better person. Not only did my patients grow, but the meaning of life became apparent. I was destined to help the people around me. I felt a sense of accomplishment knowing she had a senior year she would never forget. To most people, Adriana was still the same awkward cheerleader who didn't seem to fit in. But I no longer saw a gawky girl everyone else did; instead I saw a young, confidant, unique girl ready to take down any obstacle, but most of all I saw a friend who taught me how to live life on the edge.
Lets put these words in quotation marks:
"Ready, Ok!" These are the words...
Also, I corrected this sentence: I was only a high school junior, so I knew little about Down Syndrome, except for the little I had learned in Biology.
Use commas to give the sentences rhythm: Before I knew it, the school year was coming to an end and graduation was around the corner.
Ahh, so now, at the end, I understand that the essay is about your accomplishment: empowering a girl to achieve her goals despite her developmental disability. You can say this in the first paragraph, so that the reader is ready for the story. Then, in the last paragraph, you can suggest that you hope to make similar contributions during your time at this school to which you are applying.
Good luck!!
