-help me with grammar,
and tell me how it is over all for common app transfer essay.
thank you so much
My current college is a good academic institution but it is not the best match for me. My major is Biology in Bunker Hill community college, but I always felt passionate about computer. So now I made a strong decision to study in Computer and information systems; Therefore, I need to study at a place that would help me to reach my goal.
I am looking for a university that will challenge me beyond my limits, and give me the best tools to be prepares for my future. I want to be part of an academic intuition where learning does not stop at the classroom. I believe that UMASS will not only provide me the academic strength, but also provides a student body as passionate. Learning from my friend, I admire how UMASS Boston is a place where diversity is celebrated from every culture. I would love to be part of a community where I can have conversations that go far beyond modern technology.
I want to go to UMASS more than any other school since I want to live in Boston. After doing some research, I know by heart that UMASS Boston will satisfy my search for the best education and opportunities in the field. Most important; UMASS offers the Bachelors of Computer and information degree that I want the most out of it. My goal is not just to get a degree in but also want to meet people from around the world. I want to keep my imagination working all the time. I cannot imagine any other career that would fulfill my needs as Computer and information does, and I cannot think of any other schools apart from UMASS that would help me to archive my goal. I am passionate, willing and eager to learn and research. I want to use every opportunity you give me, and maximize it to its greatest potential. I will work, push, and do what I have to do to climb my way to the top. As Thomas Paine once said, "The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection."
Maybe this doesn't sound good...but it doesn't really look like an essay...I'm applying to other schools as a freshman so I don't know if there are any differences between freshman essay and transfer essay, but maybe both of them should be 'show, not tell'. You are saying 'I am passionate to learn and research', but there aren't any words to prove your idea. The sentences should have more variety in structure, by the way. Most sentences start with 'I'.
This is my idea. Be critical about it though.
