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'Real people' - UT at Austin topic essay A. Important person


zbennett10 2 / 6  
Sep 29, 2009   #1
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you

The early teenage years are, for most people, a crossroads. They are the years in which most of us make decisions that will ultimately shape our lives and what we will become. It was during this time in my life that I was, like most teenagers, confused about life and where I was headed. Fortunately, I was attending church at the time and it was at my church that I met a man by the name of David Mercer, our new youth minister. When I met David I was sort of on the fringe in my church youth group - going to some functions, skipping others, and never really being involved with anything. I was basically just existing. Little did I know, David's character was going to propel me forward in life.

It is hard these days to find real people. I don't mean real in the sense that they are animate and not mannequins, but real in the sense that they are themselves - no matter who is around or where they happen to be. David was the epitome of a "real" person. At first glance, David seemed like one of those stereotypical Sunday church-goers; those common breed of people that are the perfect example of hypocrisy. But oddly enough, when I got to know the man, he was the antithesis of this fraud. Through talking with him about his life and listening to him share detailed life experiences that aren't usually expressed by a church youth minister, I quickly came to admire him. Thanks to his realism, care about what was going in my life, and sheer candor, I started to get heavily involved in the youth group at church, even going on a mission trip to Louisiana. With my increased church involvement, came my growing relationship with God, something which has been both indescribable and monumental to me and my future. David's personality inevitably helped me not only become a stronger Christian but grow as a person through those tough early teenage years.

Alas, the growing as just begun. As I step out of my small town in east Texas and move onwards into a bigger world, (hopefully your fine establishment) David's experiences, advice and shining integrity will be as a lighthouse directing my path. Who knows when land is near?

Thanks for reading and for any comments/help. I need them... haha :]
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 29, 2009   #2
The early teenage years are, for most people, a crossroads. They are the years in which most of us make decisions that will ultimately shape our lives and what we will become. It was during this time in my life that I was, like most teenagers, confused about life and where I was headed.

Cut all of this. Such general statements say nothing about you, and only waste the reader's time.

It is hard these days to find real people. I don't mean real in the sense that they are animate and not mannequins, but real in the sense that they are themselves - no matter who is around or where they happen to be. David was the epitome of a "real" person. At first glance, David seemed like one of those stereotypical Sunday church-goers; those common breed of people that are the perfect example of hypocrisy.

Ow. So first you cast yourself in the role of Holden, thinking that most people are phonies in general, and then you insult the vast majority of people who go to church on Sundays as being hypocrites. Hope the admissions officer doesn't think of himself as normal or go to church on Sundays.

With my increased church involvement, came my growing relationship with God, something which has been both indescribable and monumental to me and my future. David's personality inevitably helped me not only become a stronger Christian but grow as a person through those tough early teenage years.

Referencing religion in an admissions essay can be a risky proposition. Religion and politics are two issues best avoided in polite conversation with strangers. You don't know what biases the admissions officers may have, and while it is good in theory to be yourself and stand up for your principles, it is foolish not to keep your intended audience in mind when writing an essay such as this.

Overall, the essay doesn't say much about you, except that you are cynical and Christian. Neither of these qualities will necessarily make you a good student, and many might view either or both as quite likely to make you a worse one. Decide what you want your essay to say about you, then rewrite it to show that quality through a narrative anecdote drawn from personal experience. Even if you decide to stick with the current topic, you need to be more specific about what you got out of your youth group experience.
OP zbennett10 2 / 6  
Sep 30, 2009   #3
Thank you for all the critisms. I have decided to go in a completely new direction. This essay is about the same topic stated above.

____________________________________________________________ _______________
My brother and I share a special bond. We've stuck together through thick and thin and he has been one of the few people in my life that I can rely on. In our early childhood, when food wasn't exactly plentiful, he would always share what little he had when I was especially hungry and I, vice versa. Unknowingly, he has shown me so much about life. This is ironic when I think about how I thought I was teaching and leading him all along. That's another thing my brother has indirectly taught me - leadership. My role as the eldest has helped shape my leadership capabilities and I owe this advantage completely to my brother. Nearly every quality I have can be traced back to the strong link I share with him.

Even when life got better for our family we both never forgot our humble beginnings. To this day we still rely on each other for support. My brother recently has signed a contract with the Dallas Texans, a youth soccer club that was number 1 in the USA in 2008. If I wasn't there pushing him all these years, he never would have made it. I spent long nights with him practicing and pushing him to ever higher limits, and hopefully he will live his dream. My brother has also pushed me in the same way. In my quest to sculpt my body and learn more and more about nutrition, my brother has always been there to support me. When I'm reaching for that last pullup he's always there cheering me on, literally forcing me to do one more.

My brother is the most important person in the world to me because of his help and sheer love. I will never take our bond for granted, I will never forget the lessons he has taught me, and I will always have his pure, brotherly love as I forge my way into this world.

____________________________________________________________ ____________________

THanks in advance for all the help! Any criticism is welcome and needed.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Sep 30, 2009   #4
This is much better, content-wise. Siblings don't get chosen anywhere near as often as parents for this sort of essay, so the topic is solid. You mention you have "humble beginnings" and that food was often scarce. If you and your brother had to cope with such conditions, then you should certainly elaborate on them, as overcoming such a hardship says good things about you. In fact, I'd go through and be more specific and detailed about every aspect of your essay. If you could throw in a narrative anecdote or two about you and your brother, that would great. Maybe you could even use one as a hook for your introduction.
OP zbennett10 2 / 6  
Sep 30, 2009   #5
My stomach is growling. My body yearns for more but alas, the food is gone. Another night trying to sleep the hunger away. Another morning waking up to that all too familiar feeling. My brother and I share a special bond. We've stuck together through thick and thin and he has been one of the few people in my life that I can rely on. In our early childhood, when food wasn't exactly plentiful, he would always share what little he had when I was especially hungry and I, vice versa. Unknowingly, he has shown me so much about life. This is ironic when I think about how I thought I was teaching and leading him all along. That's another thing my brother has indirectly taught me - leadership. My role as the eldest has helped shape my leadership capabilities and I owe this advantage completely to my brother. Nearly every quality I have can be traced back to the strong link I share with him.

How about adding those beginning sentences? I don't want to get to personal with it. If it would be a good idea to do so, please feel free to correct me. :] thanks alot for the help so far
shahindian2009 8 / 12  
Oct 1, 2009   #6
The grammar is weak and the sentance structure is off. Revise those sentances that dont seem to flow very well with one another.

some of the sentances are run ons... or just sound like too much info in one sentance. re-read it outloud or to someone.
OP zbennett10 2 / 6  
Oct 5, 2009   #7
Can someone proofread this for me?

My stomach is growling. My body yearns for more but alas, the food is gone. Another night trying to sleep the hunger away. Another morning waking up to that all too familiar feeling. My brother and I share a special bond. We've stuck together through thick and thin and he has been one of the few people in my life that I can rely on. In our early childhood, when food wasn't exactly plentiful, he would always share what little he had when I was especially hungry and I, vice versa. Unknowingly, he has shown me so much about life. This is ironic when I think about how I thought I was teaching and leading him all along. That's another thing my brother has indirectly taught me - leadership. My role as the eldest has helped shape my leadership capabilities and I owe this advantage completely to my brother. Nearly every quality I have can be traced back to the strong link I share with him.

Even when life got better for our family we both never forgot our humble beginnings. To this day we still rely on each other for support. My brother recently has signed a contract with the Dallas Texans, a youth soccer club that was number 1 in the USA in 2008. If I wasn't there pushing him all these years, he never would have made it. I spent long nights with him practicing and pushing him to ever higher limits, and hopefully he will live his dream. My brother has also pushed me in the same way. In my quest to sculpt my body and learn more and more about nutrition, my brother has always been there to support me. When I'm reaching for that last pullup he's always there cheering me on, literally forcing me to do one more.

My brother is the most important person in the world to me because of his help and sheer love. I will never take our bond for granted, I will never forget the lessons he has taught me, and I will always have his pure, brotherly love as I forge my way into this world.

THANKS! :D
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 5, 2009   #8
Why wouldn't you want to make this more personal? The whole point of these essays is to let the admissions officers get to know you. I therefore stand by my original advice.


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