Hey all, so I am applying to West Point and this particular essay is for a nomination from my states senator and i'll be sending it to my representitive as well. For all who don't know West Point requires a nomination in order for you to even be considered able to be offered admission. This is pretty much where the brunt of competitivness is because you are competing with those in your congressional district for one nomination. This makes it easier or harder depending on where you live to get into a service acadamy.
To the essay
Prompt - Why do you want to attend a service acadamy?
Limit - 500 words (though for the senator the limit is 3500 char.)
There are many things that make a service academy a great opportunity. To many when the word "free" is uttered about any of the academies people's ears perk up and heads turn. Many others are attracted to the academies because they want to become officers in the Military and either don't know about ROTC or think that it is of lower value compared to a commission from per say West Point. For the majority however, the calling of Duty, Honor, Country is one we seek to answer as well as the opportunity to continue our education at an institution whose goal everyday is to inspire you to be a leader of character.
I have been interested in West Point specifically for a very long time. I grew up the son of an army warrant officer and since I was able to understand what it stands for I have loved the military. The lessons of honesty and integrity were ingrained in me from an early age and have since become the core values that guide me in life. Among these values lies a growing hunger for knowledge; a hunger that I have gone so far as to leave my hometown and attend a selective public school dedicated to education at the highest standard. The Alabama School of Math and Science has been a exceptionally unique education, not only in my studies, but in maturity and independence. I have been drawn to West Point because it is exactly where I need to be in order to continue on my goal of being a leader and scholar.
Many are drawn to West Point, not only because it's name is synonymous with greatness, but because the word free is so often used to describe it's education. West Point is by no means free. In return for one of the best educations in the country, a commitment of active duty service is required. Now that may deter many from completing their applications but I look forward to those years if I get accepted. I have always wanted to serve my country and West Point is the perfect opportunity for me to get an education and training for the job I have always wanted.
The call of Duty, Honor, Country is one I do not take lightly. The opportunity presented by West Point and the other service academies is not for everyone. However I know that I belong at West Point and I hope to not only prove myself during the decision process, but to continue to prove and improve myself long after.
This essay is a good start. However, you use a lot of vague language and do more showing than telling in your essay. Your father is an army warrant officer. How does that translate to you being interested in the military. You say integrity guides you. How? How has your school developed your maturity and independence? Why do want to serve your country in this particular way? Once you take out the extraneous words, I think you'll have a lot more room to fully explain your desire to pursue an education at West Point.
I took time to see if i couldn't rewrite this to see if I couldn't get my own personality through and to make this stand out a bit so here it is. (btw, thank you digeridoo for offereing advice!)
I'm running along a stone path flanked by beautiful great green lawns towards an awe-inspiring stoney castle, not that I had a chance to admire. Little did I know I had made my first mistake days ago when choosing which bag to take with me on my flight. One of my father's old military sacks to store all of my belongings, I was cursing myself every step for not bringing a suitcase like seemingly everyone else. After the long run in sunday dress I quickly dropped my bag beside me in the lane indicated with camo tape. Taking a breath I stared straight through the sergeant standing in front of me who was in my face trying to get me to crack a smile. After he turned his back I let a small grin flash for a second, I couldn't believe where I was. That was my first introduction to West Point and the beginning of one of the best weeks of my life. Attending the Summer Leadership Experience was an honor that I barely had time to register while there. It was like living a dream, a very regimented, fast-paced, and competitive dream surrounded by people who were as competitive and driven as they were vastly different and refreshing.
Competitive and driven individuals were one of the major reasons I came to the Alabama School of Math and Science. The short of it is my old school didn't have the dedication to learning nor the challenging classes that I desired. A boarding school centered around the teaching of university level courses where you were also challenged to be an independent and active individual was all I needed to know. The day of my interview I was on my way home when it dawned on me what attending would mean. Three years later the experiences I have had at ASMS have made me grow from a kid interested in learning to a young man who desires greater challenge in university and the same feeling that a community of like minded, driven, and intelligent individuals gives you.
I have felt for a long time that the university that answered my call of challenge and community is West Point. I heard about the school from my father and the people he worked with as a CW4 at fort Rucker, and since then I have chased after every bit of information that I could regarding it's existence and the path to getting accepted. After experiencing all that SLE had to offer, from the academic lectures, PT and field exercises to the people that are going through everything you are, I have gone from thinking I will love West Point to knowing I do. The opportunity presented by West Point and the other service academies is not for everyone. However,I know that I belong at West Point and I hope to not only prove myself during the decision process, but to continue to prove and improve myself long after.
