"Reason over emotion"; Programme preference - City University, why?

Explain why you wish to study the programme and how the qualification is relevant to your career aspirations, as well as your expectation of the programme. (no more than 300 words)

Tell me how to improve it, correct grammar errors. Any feedback is needed.

"Reason over emotion" These three simple words explain why I want to study a major related to Sciences, especially Chemistry. I am the type of person that prefers numbers, data and graphics than poems and other abstract things. This aspect makes me embrace the Science. This subject is closely related to our lives, from molecules to metabolism to gravity.

By envolving in Chemistry Olympiad, biology field trips, and others activities, I developed some characters relevant to my future career. These include a careful personality and a perseverant character. For example, assisting in laboratory lessons I became more careful, and by participating in Tournament I fortified my perseverance. Also, by taking part in Field trips I develop

Now, I look forward to enter to the College o Science and Engineering, and later study Applied Chemistry. I hope that the programme can help me to acquire my knowledge and skills that will broaden my experiences and perspectives. Also, I expect to use my knowledge to benefit other people. This is extremely important since I wouldn't be able to do my best in the community services without the help of the little knowledge that I have. For instance, one of the services was to tutor students from a poor community. Without the things that I have learned in school, I wouldn't be able to help those students. Therefore, I really want to use my knowledge that I will acquire in the future for the benefits of others, and be able to contribute to the society.

thanks in advance

your essay is pretty strong an i really like it! your vocabulary is pretty good. Is english your first language?

elenaz
Hi, thank you for your comment. Do you think that I should change something?
Ah yeah and English is not my first language.

... well, when you say numbers, data, graphics, then that gives an impression that you are a math guy or a statistician. It does not imply your liking towards chemistry. Since your preference is lying with chemistry, you better have things more related to chemistry.

This does not convey a clear message about your career aspirations. Just teaching the poor is not enough. Be more specific about what you want to do for your career and how this is going to help you achieve this.

dumi
thanks Dumi, I will try to correct it and I will post it later.

This aspect makes me embrace the science.

Science is a very broad field... when I read your prompt, I feel they want more specific details about your study program - why you chose it. So, you need to focus more on your major and tell them why you want to pursue that subject. It is only the third paragraph that speaks about your real study objectives. I think you need to improve the first two :(

I only wrote about Science because in the first year, all the students get into a College, eg. College of Science and Engineering or College of Business. Students choose their major until the second year of university, so I suppose that I can only write about Science because I want to enter the College of Science and Engineering.

Good start :)
This aspect makes me embrace the scienceScience.

Ok, Pahan's got a very good point there and I too feel you should give them the impression that you have a vision - you know where you want to be. So, it is no harm that you talk about your ultimate goal though you have to follow a general science course in the first year. Give them an outline of what you intend to do.