Rensselaer Application
"Architecture - State your reasons for choosing architecture as your profession."
I grew up on a small family farm in Hakipu'u on the windward side of Oahu. On the parcel that's been in my family for two generations, my mother grows tropical flowers and my father grows ornamental fish. Threw my childhood experiences on these grounds, I have discovered a passion for architecture.
The plantation resembles a temperate rain forest rather than the archetypal farm. It's populated with over 30 varieties of Heliconia, the 10 foot tall tropical flower create a labyrinth of fragrant smelling paths. My mom's father planted the first seedlings and now my mom cuts and sells them on our flower stand and in extravagant arrangements. Watching her put together arrangements has taught me how to look with an artistically critical eye. I've learned how to relate elements such as composition, color and balance within my artwork.
My dad has retired into a full time goldfish breeder. His breeds are adorned with grotesque eyes and embellishments comparable to koi. Almost all of his business comes through online orders as he offers "varieties which will never be seen anywhere else in the western world". He is a revered biologist and has made a name for himself within the ornamental fish world. He sparked my interest in math by showing me that math can be applied in more ways than the classroom. When my dad needed to approximate the biomass of the goldfish that could be sustained in his ponds, I calculated the volumes of each by applying the formula for an isosceles trapezoid. I was also able to find the instantaneous rate of change of a tank's height as water was pumped in at varying pressures using my new found understanding of derivatives in calculus class. These experiences have taught me that math is more than just calculations on a piece of paper, but that it can be used to solve real world problems.
The workshop on my farm was built by my grandfather and then restored by me and my father. The collection of tools that have accumulated through the generations has been the catalyst for my creative accomplishments. After restoring the workspace, I used it to start "Taylor Made Boards", my handmade skateboard business from the years I was in middle school. More recently, I have designed and built a Tahitian style fiberglass outrigger-canoe using rudimentary computer software and a 2-part composite mold. Over this Christmas break I finished laying up my first canoe and can now produce and sell a few to pay back some of my parents investment. Through the resources available to me and my parent's unconditional support, I have developed a passion for industrial design.
My yard has connected me with nature and made me environmentally conscious. Native birds are frequent, but unwelcome visitors as they gorge on prized goldfish. Being able to watch the endangered Ae'o (Hawaiian Stilt) and 'Alae 'Ula (Hawaiian Moorhen) as they visit the farm are some of the memories I hold close. Knowing that these birds could easily cease to exist has stirred my interest in creating a move environmentally sustainable world.
Through my parents invested interest and our farm's unique opportunities, I've been able to have distinctive experiences that shaped almost every facet of who I am. I've learned about art, mathematics, engineering, and the environment that surrounds me. At Rensselar I look forward to combining my distinctive talents and knowledge into the single discipline of architecture.
Overall, this is a great essay. It is selling yourself at the same time, bringing an opportunity to share family values and your interest in science and industry. The only thing this essay lacks is your appreciation for specific architecture, whether houses, structures, sculpture, trusses, or maybe that fen sui (sp) stuff.
"I've learned how to relate elements such as composition, color and balance within my artwork." Are you applying for an Art position or is this helpful for creative abilities and design?
Here is some copy-edit things to look at:
Threw my childhood..throughout
His breeds are adorned..awkward. another word for adorned
full time goldfish breeder suggest...full-time
creating a move environmentally sustainable world [for them].
My dad has retired into a full time goldfish breeder. He is a revered biologist and has made a name for himself within the ornamental fish world. His breeds are adorned with grotesque eyes and embellishments comparable to koi. Almost all of his business comes through online orders as he offers "varieties which will never be seen anywhere else in the western world."
When my dad needed to approximate the biomass of the goldfish that could be sustained in his ponds, he sparked my interest in math by showing me that math can be applied in more ways than the classroom; I calculated the volumes of each by applying the formula for an isosceles trapezoid. I was also able to find the instantaneous rate of change of a tank's height as water was pumped in at varying pressures using my new found understanding of derivatives in calculus class. These experiences have taught me that math is more than just calculations on a piece of paper, but that it can be used to solve real world problems.
I would split this paragraph up. The quotation is a nice accent to the end of paragraph. The second paragraph has to do with application of science, experience at real world; it also says something about your family values. I changed the sentence order without disturbing the meaning, and placed a semi-colon. good luck hope this helps.
if you get a chance over the holiday have a read of my essay, thanks.
I can see your thorough preparation for architecture major. I think it's a wonderful essay!
You write about 4 aspects to show how you are capable of learning architecture.
But since the prompt says "reasons for choosing", if I were the university reader, I'd like to see more of your passion and love for this.
Plus, it will be better if you combine the 4 elements together and talk specifically about how they influence the style or sth else of your architectural design.(in the future).
I really appreciate your advice on my essay. thx!
Great essay.
The sentence "Threw my childhood experiences on these grounds, I have discovered a passion for architecture." seemed quite awkward and incomplete.
do you mean "through"
