A letter on the reasons why I need a scholarship

Prompt :

Write a letter detailing reasons why you need scholarship.

Dear Scholarship Selection committee,
This letter is intended to inform you about my extreme financial hardship, in the hope that it will further my chances of receiving a scholarship to Ashesi University College.

As the first generation student in my family, I understand the value of higher education and how it would impact my life. A college education would give me the opportunity to explore new ideas, improve critical thinking, and enhance my skills. It is the gateway to better options and a chance to succeed in life. Growing up in a rural community with a population of less than 600, the only people I knew who had been to the University were my teachers.

Ever since I was little, the initial plan had been to get me married at the age of 13, three years after the completion of my basic school. But on the way, I developed a fascination for education. Going against the wishes and plans of my parents, I knew I wanted to attend a secondary school, move on to college and finish well and proud. My parents could not afford to help with my secondary school finance. Nobody was willing to give my parents any loan because of our poor background. My parents were forced to liaise with my maternal uncle who decided he'd support my secondary school education if I'd live and work for his family as a house help and shop keeper. Gladly, I accepted his decision -anything in as much as I'd go to school. And today, I'm a proud headband of a secondary school. I was faced with challenges and obstacles on the way to success, but I triumphed till the end.

After secondary school, I had to think ahead. With two illiterate parents and a family they could barely cater for, my future seemed bleak. Their salaries could most times not take us through the month. We were always borrowing; and always sorrowing. Things got worse when my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. For months, I and my siblings had to go to bed hungry, just so we could foot her medical bills. With our present condition, I had to take up menial jobs to support my family. At a point, I was left with no choice than to go into prostitution - this I did for months so I could cater for the medical bills and my brothers' school bills. Nevertheless, I have not given up on my dreams. Education is not something I take for granted. I am not deterred from fulfilling my dreams. Also, with both parents that can barely read and write, my dad had to open a family bank account with my particulars - the reason the bank account is in my name, so I can monitor the account when necessary.

I sincerely hope to be a worthy candidate for the scholarship because I have a great academic record, a strong commitment to community service, involvements in extra-curricular activities and especially an utmost serious attitude towards education. I realise that the scholarship is being provided specifically for people like me - people who are striving to accomplish their goals and are eager to give back to the society but do not have the monetary capacity to do so.

Attaining this scholarship will not only help me by alleviating my expenses during my studies at Ashesi, but it would help me really submerge in the college experience without having to worry about financial struggles.

A Higher Education is the most powerful tool to safeguard the civility of a nation. Informed people make informed choices and lead the way to a brighter future for everyone they come in contact with. I want to take my place among those college educated people. I want to make a difference. This scholarship is more than a fiscal currency, it is a ticket that will provide me with the tools and information to serve my community with excellence and dedication; as well as provide me with an outlet to continue mentoring others along the way.

Thank you for your kind consideration of my application.

Yours Sincerely.

Any feedback on my grammar usage, paragraph setting and punctuation would be welcomed. Does this have the structure of a letter? What do I need to add or eliminate? Also,i had to write something concerning the reason why the family account is in my name and was registered with my details. That's the reason for the line on bank account. Any other way I could have written it to fit the letter?

Thanks guys!

Hello Eyitemi, it is really a great idea that you want to go to college and give back to your community. Your letter only answered the prompt from your first paragraph or rather your second paragraph where you said you want to go to college to improve intellectually.

The rest of your letter are all stories and not reasons. Though your stories are touching, you are not asked to give an account of your life. So give the scholarship selection team reasons why they should finance your education. You have to exclude the part where you wrote about prostitution and try to keep your essay focused on reasons like: instead of just writing about how your parents wanted to marry you off at 13, link that to how you stood up for yourself and managed to go to school and how the generosity of the scholarship will help you through college because you value education and want to have equal opportunities irrespective of your background. Also in the paragraph where you wrote about your mom being sick and how you have to think ahead for the family, develop that to be more appropriate like: you want to be educated so you can go back to your community and help the kids there who are facing the problem you face today get an education.

So Eyitemi you have to really give them a reason why you want to attend college. You know the reason, not me. I have just given suggestions above because I managed to transform some of your paragraphs to what I feel it directs to.

If you want to go to college to get more education, tell them that. If you want to go to college to improve your experiences and meet people or research on projects, let them know.

One last thing: Yours Sincerely.
Jalogho Eyitemi
it shouldn't end with a full stop rather use a comma and I will also recommend this format:

Sincerely,
Jalogho Eyitemi

Work on your letter then we will look at the grammer.

Eyitemi, the letter that you wrote proposes a number of valid reasons as to why you need the scholarship. These are not mere stories that you are telling but rather, you are showing the compelling reasons as to why you deserve to get this scholarship. Even the part about prostitution is important because this shows that you will stop at nothing to gain the better education that everyone in this world deserves. The only problem I have with that reference is that you used it to describe how you supported your family instead. Do not divide the focus of the letter between your responsibility to your family and your responsibility to yourself. Always make sure that you relate all the reasons that you feel you deserve the scholarship to you on an individual basis. More importantly, justify your reasons for the scholarship by presenting your academic promise as a student and individual. Highlight any academic accomplishments that you may have as a current high school student as the basis for your qualification as a scholar. Explain how you wish to gain the scholarship so that all of the accomplishments that you have achieved, through your own hard work and labor will not be wasted. If you can remove some of the focus from your family and just concentrate on yourself, the letter should come across as more appealing to the reviewer.