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'Receiving help from others' - University of Michigan essay, the qualities attract me


ZombAA 2 / 5  
Oct 22, 2012   #1
Can someone revise my essay, see if I answer the question and check the grammar, I am a immigrant from china, so I didn't have much knowledge about grammar and uses of sentence. Please check!!!!

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

From the time I can remember, I have always been receiving help from others. Every time I needed help, someone will come to me and help me without saying anything, whether if they are a stranger or who I know. I felt ashamed of my self every time I received help from others. I don't have the authority to be helped, I don't want to be helped. I always sense my self being guilty for receiving helps. Reasons are simple, I can't never lend a hand to someone I don't really know of, all I can do is watched. When I see people need help, I could never move a inch toward them, no matter how loud I cried out inside me telling me to move, I couldn't done anything, I hate what am I like, I'm just a coward that couldn't even look straight into other people's eyes.

I don't mind to be a coward, as long I am able to help others. I want to pay my bill back to those I owe, and also sell things to someone for free. I want the world to start a chain reaction, a chain that little help from one person leads to a big help to others. Even my name won't be said that I help who and who, it fine for me. I did find out I couldn't help anyone directly, but I still could help, even if it indirectly, I want to help everyone. I find out all I can do is to go to University of Michigan, where has the major, ranking, place, and chances.

In this university, I can have my dream come true. University of Michigan has very high ranking on economic and medical field. In the medical field, U of M has a very ranking in the world. If I were graduate from the medical school of this university, I'm sure I will receive a high skill on curing others. Even what I learn depends on how hard I try, but University of Michigan will teach more deeper knowledge than other universities for sure. I can find my self helping a huge amount of people in this community. I can't go help others I do not know, so I will need them to come to me. In economic, it looks there's nothing you could help the communities, but it contains more things to help. Especially in this high economic ranking university. Raise the economic condition in this country, and maybe donating some money to who needs them. If the economy gets better, then everyone in this country can be help.

Also this college is in the best city in Michigan, where I might give my self more chance to find who needs help. I want to find all the chances in this university. Never misses any chance i can help others, I want to try my best to help others. This university has everything I wanted, the major, place, and also the chances.
mamazing - / 2  
Oct 22, 2012   #2
My biggest advice to you is to tell a story! Your essay will be so much more engaging if you talk about a time that you felt guilty for receiving help and how that inspired you to want to help others.

How long is the essay supposed to be? It seems kind of short, and I think you could develop your ideas a lot more.
Watch out for grammar mistakes:
From the time I can remember, I have.. I think you mean "for as long as I can remember"
whether if they are a stranger or who I know. Whether they are a stranger or someone I know.
Myself, not my self
Help not helps
You have many more mistakes.. but don't get discouraged. I would suggest revising your essay and then once you have a draft you want to submit, sit down with someone to make sure you have no mistakes.

Overall, I like your idea! Work on telling a story and developing it more.
OP ZombAA 2 / 5  
Oct 22, 2012   #3
Thanks, I will try to tell in a story form instead. And I will find someone to fix my grammar.
himanshusahay 3 / 24  
Oct 23, 2012   #4
Change the ending a bit, it is sort of plain right now.
OP ZombAA 2 / 5  
Oct 23, 2012   #5
Thanks I will try to change my conclusion, what kind of conclusion do you think will be better?
Dancingstar22 1 / 2  
Oct 23, 2012   #6
I agree with mamazing. Tell a story! It will be much interesting and cooler! You can explain everything in the story! Also plz help me with my essay.
Namel 1 / 4  
Oct 26, 2012   #7
The essay has a huge grammar problem.


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