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The recipe for NYU, a missing ingredient which bring back this school on track to its future success

giasilahian 1 / 1  
Jun 25, 2015   #1
Hello! I just want to see if I'm going in the right direction with my essay and receive any input/suggestions on changing it!

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

A cup of diversity, two tablespoons of opportunity, five teaspoons of culture and a pinch of beauty-the recipe for NYU which has flourished for the past 184 years, but now seems to be missing an ingredient detrimental to its future success. A dash of me, an exotic and spicy addition, will bring soul and determination into the stew.

Struggling to answer the prodding question of what makes me 'happy', I've been on a constant search investigating my environment and juggling new activities. Time and time again one thing has proven to illuminate the engulfing darkness: a city. Not just the sight of skyscrapers or flashing lights, but the sounds of traffic and languages, the smell of multicultural dishes and the overall vibe. The mere existence of 'Concrete Jungle' gives me goosebumps, and for that I promise to plant my happiness in its roots. NYU is the brain of the city that never sleeps and I wish to be among its synapses.

At the age of three, I became my father's son and daughter by taking up his love of sports and as a little girl, I told myself that someday I'd be the first female General Manager for an NFL team. Tisch Institute is one of the few schools in the nation which offers me the chance to pursue a Bachelor's in sports management and New York-home to the headquarters on the NFL, NBA and MLB-provides the greatest of opportunities to achieve such. Wanting to enter such industry won't be easy, but flaunting my ability to 'hang with the boys' will be an intoxicating ride.

In a city where noise floods the streets, mine shall be heard; the melting pot known as New York-once properly prepped with me in the mix-will have never tasted so mouthwatering.
lightfox 3 / 27 24  
Jun 25, 2015   #2
Hello giasilahian. In terms of grammar and syntax, I don't see anything that's need to be changed. In terms of the content itself, I like the intro of your essay. My only concern is that the transition between your paragraph needs a little work. In your second paragraph, you talked about how you would love to be engaged in a city environment with vivid points, yet you right away talk about your career aspirations in your third paragraph. The transition seems too sudden and choppy. If possible, try to add a statement at the end of your second paragraph taht will have a decent segway to what you're going to talk about next in your third paragraph.

For instance, you can move your sentence that says "New York is the home of the headquarters on NFL, etc" towards your beginning of the third paragraph and use the end of the second paragraph to introduce this dream of yours and how being in New York will help you achieve that.

Additionally, in your final paragraph, the contents itself seems out of place. You introduce your career aspirations, but then you go back to talking about how you want to add your own diversity when enrolling in NYU. I suggest you focus more on your career aspirations and talk more in detail about how NYU will benefit you and how you will use that experience to better yourself when it comes to achieve your goal.
lcturn87 - / 435 236  
Jun 26, 2015   #3
Personally, I think the beginning of this essay is fantastic! However, I would like to give you a suggestion to make it even better. You could simply state this to open your essay: "New York has an incredible recipe." Then begin to give the details of that recipe. You just needed something to draw the reader in a little bit more.

Since I have visited New York and know a little about synapses, this is a great way to describe it. Interestingly, new synapses can be formed according to researchers. Maybe you can make a comparison between you living in the city and how it will contribute to your growth and gaining new experiences at the end of the paragraph.

In the last paragraph, I agree that it needs better organization. However, I do understand why you chose these details. You must have a transition word to begin this paragraph (i.e. Nevertheless). If you discuss that you were your father's son and daughter this becomes too confusing because you add that you are his little girl in the same sentence. You have to separate these thoughts. As a female, I can understand what you are trying to convey. However, you could discuss that your father influenced your love of sports and as a female you want to break a barrier by becoming the first General Manager of a NFL team. The next sentence needs another revision. This is an incomplete thought because you end with "such". Do you want to end the sentence by stating it will give you the opportunities to achieve your dreams? The next sentence replace such with "this".

Both of these posts can help you with your essay to make it better. I hope this helps you.
OP giasilahian 1 / 1  
Jun 26, 2015   #4
Thank you both! I'm going to revise the essay with your suggestions :)

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