Hi I'm planning to apply to some UC schools. This is only my first draft and i would appreciate comments/feedback/critique to help me revise! thanks.
Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Compared to my two older sisters, I know my parents would say I was the defiant, reckless child. Looking back at how I used to be, I would agree with them. My sisters were a parent's dream. They graduated at the top of their high school classes, went to UC schools, and are now on their way to their futures; one becoming a doctor and the other a lawyer. While growing up, I felt like I was always going to be compared to them, like I wasn't going to be as great as they were. I hated hearing from my parents that I should be better, more like my sisters, so much that I wanted to do the exact opposite. There was a point when I decided that I wasn't going to be like them and that I didn't want to be "goodie-goodie" like they were. That point came at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and with those kinds of thoughts in a fifteen year old girl's mind it became ten months made up of arguments, tears, lies, heart break, and a lot of time spent at home. My friends say that year was my worst in high school and full of mistakes. Even though it was, I believe it was the most didactic experience I have had yet.
Going into the tenth grade I was three months shy of sixteen years of age and even though in all reality I was still a little kid I felt like I was so much older. I went to my first high school party and was instantly hooked to the loud music, dancing, hanging out with friends, the feeling of letting all inhibitions go with just a sip of a drink. I was hanging out with different people, mostly older than me, and that's how I met the boy who would eventually bring me down to rock bottom. He was my first boyfriend, and to say I was smitten would be an understatement. It was like I was under a spell, compelled to do anything for this boy, even if it meant to sneak out and lie to my parents. The more time me and him spent together, the more distant the relationship with my parents became and the angrier they were with me. Throughout the year I was grounded quite often and I hated my parents for it. I spent everyday of spring break at home, and I wasn't even allowed to go to prom. I lost their trust. At the same time, the "love of my life" proved not to be the honest, genuine boy I thought he was. After all the arguments, hurtful lies and ugly truths came out. We stopped talking and it was like we were strangers. I felt used, depressed, and alone. I was left with a broken relationship with my parents and the boy I "loved". By the time the school year was over, I hit an emotional rock bottom.
Although I detested being at home, it did give me a lot of time to think. Only after it was all said and done did I realize how stupid and immature I was .After the whole sad phase that follows a breakup, I promised myself that I would never let a boy walk all over me again. Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and I felt like a stronger person who was worth so much more. I reset my priorities. I knew the most important things were my family, school, and myself. The trust between me and my parents was nonexistent, but since then I have tried my hardest to gain it back.
When I look back on how I used to be, I can't believe how naïve a kid I was. Even though some could say I'm still a kid now, I wouldn't agree because I know I've matured greatly in the last couple years. I can't say I know exactly who I am yet because I'm still learning and growing, but I know how much I've changed from that fifteen year old girl to now. I learned to respect my parents, and most importantly myself. I made my way through life with too many mistakes to count but if I didn't then I wouldn't be who I am today. I'm someone who has to fail miserably in order to succeed phenomenally. Now less credulous as I once was, I know what I want and that the only way to get there is through hard work and not letting anything or anyone get in the way of my dreams. I am stronger. I am smarter. I am ready to start my future.
You have an interesting story.
That point came at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and with those kinds of thoughts in a fifteen year old girl's mind it became ten months made up of arguments, tears, lies, heart break, and a lot of time spent at home. Run-on sentence. You could remove "in high school" and re-word the rest.
Going into the tenth grade I was three months shy of sixteen years of age and even though in all reality I was still a little kid I felt like I was so much older. You can say this, but I would say it differently.
After all the arguments, hurtful lies and ugly truths came out.
This starts to get a little too much about your emotions, I would condense this part of your story, and add more about your plan for life. You need to imagine applying to school as if you are standing before a judge. Say only what is relevant and makes you look respectable in the end. Of course, it is great that you explain how you had "the rug pulled out from under you" but I would emphasize how you had the guts to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Remember that you need to stand out among the many many apps the schools receive, so make sure to show the college that you are a "person with a plan."