"the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay

Q Write a note to your future roomate revealing something about you that will help your roomate and us know you better

Any feeback would be truly appreciated

Dear Roommate,
College life is meant to be rife with uncertainties, comprising both hard play and hard work. Through this roller-coaster ride I hope to develop a bond with you that will last a lifetime. So, before we have the time of our lives there are some things about myself I'd like you to know

Diversity is one of the things I value deeply. Like Thodd Rumman I believe that it's the common things that make relationships enjoyable but the different things that make them interesting." A rabid extrovert I am likely to attend as many college events as is physically possible. A fun person I also love trying out new things, meeting new people. Always ready for a laugh I can guarantee you that you'll be doubling up in no time after meeting me. My friends who call me 'crazy' also refer to me as a 'nerd' who is always reading and soaking up information on a vast array of topics.

I delight in small things like baking, writing my journal, photography, and setting out to new places. It is the small things that make life truly wonderful, I believe.

Being my roommate you will never have to worry about room cleanliness as I find the activity nothing short of therapeutic, something that helps me to re-arrange and re-organize my thoughts.

At the end of our tenure of togetherness, I hope we will remain in touch- always smiling at the recollection of our time together.

Ready to begin?

You would want to change that to "writing in my journal"

Other than that, your note seems fine. Good luck!

Add to comma for the pause between the phrases.


Where does the quote begin? Just a slight error :]


Again, use the commas.


You seem to make a habit of not using commas. When you begin with a description of the subject and then immediately talk about the subject, you need a comma to separate the two phrases so that the sentence doesn't run on.



I believe that, here, you are misusing the hyphen. Generally, you use the hyphen to add a usually digressing thought to the sentence. For example:

I'm going to pack sandwiches for the picnic - Oh! It's raining!
Something like that.

Overall, the essay is nice. (Does it have to be a letter? I don't believe that Stanford required a "letter" for this year. For me, I just wrote an essay. :/ ) However, I think you should add transitions between each paragraph. The essay seems to jump around with different thoughts. I would suggest sticking to one special personality and elaborating on it.

Thanks for the feedback!
Yes I recognise the errors in my essay and the whole missing commas problem :).

I reaized later that the essay failed to reflect me as a person and sounds rather formal ..so i completely wrote a new one.I'd be THANKFUL for feeback.Is this one better and sound more personal? Is it lik DEC said,elaborating on one personality of mine?

Affectionately known as the "atom bomb" ,I live upto my reputation. My petite size contrasts with my big dreams.I am a dichotomy who strives for the perfect balance : I am a dreamer yet an activist and fun loving yet focused .(COULD YOU suggest a third contrast??) A "philosophical rainbow", you will perceive me as a happy go-lucky who is always beaming awe as she constantly yearns more to decipher the intricacies of life around her.

I believe that there is no end to the adventure we can have and this philosophy of mine never leaves me bored. I love learning from everything around me and believe that everything is a teacher, from the seemingly worthless garden snail to the local mechanic .I am fond of discussing an array of topics and sharing idea and experiences and as a result I have discussed confounding philosophies with the most unlikely of people.As a roommate ,I assure you that you will never be forlorn around me as I will always manage to tickle your funny bone .During our college years that are bound to be rife with uncertainties for the both of us,I hope to be your confidant and light rays of sunshine in your life so that when the ride is over and it is time for us to graduate,one thing remains certain :that our friendship doesn't.

I am a dreamer yet an activist and fun loving yet focused .(COULD YOU suggest a third contrast??) --- instead of contrasting qualities you claim to have, SHOW the reader with contrasting examples.

Do you have examples of actions you take that are paradoxical? It is better to give examples than to make claims. That is why writers say "Show, don't tell."

I believe that there is no end to the adventure we can have and this philosophy of mine never leaves me bored.---- Rather than telling about your philosophy, I think you should use this as an opportunity to discuss your intellectual interests. College is an intellectual occasion, so let's focus on your field of interest, your current activities, and so forth.

This intro is very cool!---> Affectionately known as the "atom bomb", I live up to my reputation.

Still, I think you should replace some of the philosophy with examples of your activities and also examples of your research interests. What do you want to learn about other than your major? What specialization do you want to achieve?

:-)

Prompt: Virtually... campus. Write a NOTE to your future... better.

Doesn't the 'note' indicate expectation of latter. I mean even if the format is not rigid and within all guidelines of a letter, shouldn't we directly address our future roommate and maybe start with a greeting (doesn't have to be Dear...) and sign off with our names... I mean it is a note after all! i am not sure about this! It's been bothering me! What do you think?


This section feels a bit disjointed. The sentences are not meshing well enough together. I suggest you cut out the "I am a dichotomy who strives for the perfect balance : I am a dreamer yet an activist and fun loving yet focused ." and add it in later. Build up on the preceding sentence before introducing a new idea. what big dreams? It seems rushed when you just move onto the next idea.


After the comma, begin with the pronoun being modified. Currently it reads like the philosophical rainbow is referring to the reader (you). It should read something like:

A "philosophical rainbow", I am a happy go-lucky who is always beaming awe as I constantly yearn more to decipher the intricacies of life around me.

Perhaps opt for a different structure of sentence to make the essay not seem so redundant? Limiting the use of 'I', I also have this problem in my writing. :) I love the idea behind this sentence though!!! :)


I think that since you are introducing examples of the previous statement, a colon would work better.




Clichés should be avoided at all costs!


I seems like you are saying that your friendship will not remain certain. Its a misplaced modifier. try and put the last statement as close as possible to the idea of the 'ride is over'.

I like the idea behind the essay. I just think its organization doesn't do you justice, nether does some issues with the grammar and mechanics. polish those of and it will be a killer essay!! I almost hate you for you will definitely get it. :)

If any of my corrections are incorrect feel free to tell me, i am relatively new to the editing world.

Huh? I thought the prompt read:
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better." - I got this from the Stanford Website:

Are you sure that is not old. i got my from the supplement on the common application for 2010-2011. It reads: 2. VIRTUALLY ALL OF STANFORD'S UNDERGRADUATES LIVE ON CAMPUS. WRITE A NOTE TO YOUR FUTURE ROOMMATE THAT REVEALS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU OR THAT WILL HELP YOUR ROOMMATE - AND US - KNOW YOU BETTER.

The common app supplement is more accurate as that is what you are eventually gonna fill out if you are applying for admission for the class of 2015. they update the supplement every admission cycle. Or at least most of them. :)

Oh man! Well, as it is a note, it doesn't have to be a letter ... hopefully. -.-
I don't want to have to significantly change mine.

No worries. i haven't written in the letter format either. Just make sure you refer directly to your roommate a couple of time and it should be ok. :)