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Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure

cupcakeangel365 1 / -  
Oct 29, 2013   #1
Hi I completed my common app essay I just wanted to know if there are any grammar errors, or any advice to strengthen my essay.

1.Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

I switched schools my sophomore year of high school after my parent separated. We eventually had to move, and I was forced to leave my home in West Grove, Pennsylvania, my friends and school behind to move to Delaware. I went to Alexis I. DuPont High School my sophomore year where I really struggled to keep my grades up. I chose all honors classes that year and I bit off more than I could chew, I never made any excuses for my grades. It was my responsibility to keep them up.

My parent's relationship suffered even more after the divorce papers were finalized. I pretty much became the rock for my mother and brothers and tried to piece what was left of our family back together. During the process I was taking Marketing Management Core and discovered my passion for business, I love marketing it's almost like common sense to me. My grandmother owns two businesses and I, would always try to give her marketing advice to help run her business more effectively and efficiently. I joined DECA and competed after school with other students, and competed in a DECA competition in Dover, Delaware.

I've learned to be more positive and to not let this negative situation control my life. I've also learned to be with those who brings out the best in you, not the stress in you. If you are surrounded by people who are negative, they will influence you to be more negative. The final lesson that I learned is that Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. Even though my family had crumbled, I tried to be there for everyone and brought unconditional love and support. I could've given up on my grades and dropped out of all my honors classes, but I gave it my all and I passed my sophomore year. Though my grades weren't up to my parent standards or mine, I knew this would be an incident I would never forget. There was never a thought in my mind to stop and give up, I strive to be the best that I can be in any situation that I face.

Thank you!

jestjest 1 / 3 2  
Oct 31, 2013   #2
What's the failure?
If the divorce, where's the nauseating feeling behind the divorce? How is the divorce your failure?
How did you learn to be more positive? To be with those who bring out the best in you? What does the best in you even mean?

These are all very vague holes in your essay, along with more, that must be addressed with your writing and content before any of us can give you polishing tips.

BTW, plenty of grammatical errors and nuances from a quick skim.
smashcommonapp 2 / 10 2  
Nov 1, 2013   #3
I second everything jestjest has said specifically the 'What's the failure? part. In my honest opinion, your parents' divorce is not your personal failure. Therefore, I strongly recommend you rewrite this essay with 'a time I failed' in mind.

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