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"To reduce the begging population in China" - What do you see yourself doing at UPenn


lollipops4all 2 / 3  
Dec 31, 2010   #1
I am willing to help anyone that helps me
please look over this for grammatic error, word choice and idea, especially the last paragraph

Family is the most vital and fundamental group in a person's life. So, when my own extended family spans across four continents, how can I not be concerned with the global quality of living?

Born and raised in China, I fully apprehended that Asian's social norms are not easily understood during brief visits by tourists. The unfortunate begging population is one such case. Due to old-age, disease, and disabilities, these beggars are unable to compete in the rigorous Chinese work force that has no job security and a low minimum income of only 150 dollars a month. In fact, 130 million people must beg to survive. Sadly, if money is given to one beggar, all the beggars will swarm the donor for money, so people are reluctant to help these ill-fated souls.

My first encounter with Western traditions came when I moved to the U.S. Here, I learned the power of politics. As a volunteer in Sichuan Earthquake Relief, I did my best to help them, but I could on reach a few. However, with the help of Mary Sigaty, the county council member who I intern for, I am starting a food drive that will help about 5000 thousand people in poverty. The human resource and expertise Mrs. Sigaty brought to the table was essential to the success of my project.

I was exposed to Europe and South America by a new member of my family, my mother's fiancé, Martin. A German living in Chile, Martin is a culturally-diverse global traveler. Sometimes, mother and I join him on his international trips: the three of us have visited Chile, France, and Germany during my school breaks. The visits were brief but memorable. In Chile, while I experienced firsthand the rich fishing industry and coastal beauty, I also saw the poverty-struck lifestyle of the natives. Due to the uneven distribution of wealth, a large number of people severely lack resource to survive. Europe, however, is a whole new story: there, people lived in abundance. This is especially true in Paris, where the focus is on the aesthetic value of the city. Even in WWII struck Germany, the citizens enjoy the luxury of comfort and entertainment. Only after the basic needs of survival is met can people strive for beauty and comfort.

Traveling and living in these countries has enabled me to grasp the global reality of poverty. Not merely statistics or stories, real people actually live in those unbearable circumstances throughout the world. The Huntsman program combines international culture with the native political culture and economy in targeted language area. With this program, I hope to gain the knowledge that would help reduce the begging population of my home country, China. The understanding of political and economic process of the country will aid me in my quest. Just as my family brought me to the international stage, hopefully the Huntsman program will bring me the knowledge to better living condition for us all.

prince_johri 3 / 14  
Dec 31, 2010   #2
overall it answers the prompt but i feel that you should make it more engaging
madcaodisease 3 / 6  
Jan 1, 2011   #3
"I fully apprehended that Asian's social norms are not easily understood during brief visits by tourists."
Apprehended isn't the right word to use here - I'm pretty sure you're looking for comprehended, although if it were me, I would use "understood". It's just more natural, but again, that's just my opinion. Either way though, apprehended needs to be changed. The structure is also a little bit iffy - can I give a suggestion? I would rephrase this to say something like "Born and raised in China, I fully comprehended that brief visits by tourists are not enough to understand Asian social norms [or "Asia's social norms"]."

Just what I saw at first glance - I also agree that it should be spruced up just a bit, so it doesn't have that typical 5-paragraph essay feel to it.


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