Your command of the English language is commendable. It has helped you construct a very concise and expressive personal statement. Aside from the few grammar corrections that I noticed, and replacement of words for better effect, I cannot fault this paper in any way. I included my comments in my corrections and revisions listed below. Any suggestions for the further improvement of the essay will also be towards the end of the editing list. Congratulations on a job well done :-)
most glaring reason for why I initially thought Reed would be the best place to further my education was the college's Chinese program.
- The reason I believe that Reed is the best place to further my education is the college's
, I was impressed that Reed
had the same ideology that I had concerning the language,
- I was impressed that Reed and I shared the same ideology ...
Honestly, I look forward to being a sophomore at Reed and living in the Chinese House.
- This could be a separate paragraph. Explain why you are looking forward to living at Reed and the Chinese House. This will show the extra curricular activities that you may be interested in joining.
also pleasantly surprised that Reed stresses the way the individual learns through conversation and collaboration with professors and classmates, rather than focusing on a letter grade to prove understanding.
... surprised to learn
does not accurately assess
the attainment of knowledge
- ... assess their
After visiting Reed and gaining perspective, I cannot wait to be able to pursue knowledge for knowledge's sake and not for the 'A' or 'passing grade'.
- Excellent statement!
Continually, it is demonstrated that the population and those representing us do not support women's, queer, immigrant, or minority rights.
- Those areas and its representatives have continuously demonstrated that they
do not support...
perceived as an invasive species in your
- ... in your new homeland
- acceptance is the more politically correct term to use here.
that I can truly feel at home because it allows me to study
- ... place where... because I will be allowed
As an afterthought, I was wondering if you could add a statement about why you want to be a Chinese major. That way you can further tie in your personal reasons for feeling rejected in Florida and the south with your desire to learn more about the Chinese by majoring in it. What are your future career plans? How does it help your career growth in the future? I am not asking you to convert this essay into a statement of purpose. I just want you to provide the admissions officer with an overview of your personal reasons for pursuing this course. I am sure it will be interesting to discover :-)