hey guys this is my first time making a thread on Essay Forum so forgive if I'm a n00b
Anyway I'm applying to the University of British Columbia this year (2012) and they have changed their application from an optional supplemental to a mandatory personal profile. they have three questions with a maximum of 200 words each which you have to answer
so here are mine:
Tell us about an activity, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (188/200 words)
I was a member of a team that participated in the "Get Reel on Climate Change" competition hosted by UNICEF. Our goal was to represent Canada's youth in the International Climate Change Conference. To pursue this, we made an awareness video to cause youth to be more conscientious towards climate change.
My team, Acta Non Verba, took a very social approach to create this video. We asked many students what their stance was on the issue and later discussed what would be presented in the video. The bulk of our time together was spent, producing ideas and crafting them into the thesis of our video.
We were nationally designated as the first runners up in the competition. Although losing by a hair on a major leadership opportunity discouraged us, we were proud of what we had achieved. From this activity I learned the essence of leadership and the teamwork that it requires. It is the process of social representation to aid in the accomplishment of a common task. The social approach that we used is what aided us in our achievement and allowed us to represent the youth.
Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (176/200 words)
Last year a friend of mine's rejection to Yale made him a statistic - below the seven percent that are accepted. At least that is what I thought. I pondered the rejection briefly then flushed it out of my mind, accepting that Yale was far too high of a target and admittance was nearly inconceivable. This year four of my friends have been admitted to the University of Pennsylvania, two to Stanford, one to MIT, and three to Columbia.
Flabbergast at the overwhelming acceptance to prestigious institutions, the philosopher in me brought to question my definition of "achievability". What is too difficult? What is impossible? I contemplated these questions every night for many weeks; thinking all the while: had my friend been foolish to apply to Yale? The consensus that I have reached is quite different from my previous mindset of hopelessness. There is nothing that is impossible and only time and determination are needed to achieve. There is no goal too high. No attempt is pointless or in vain. From this I take opportunities and try.
Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (175/200 words)
I am a traveler. I have been to three different high schools and two different elementary schools. I have had my first day more than once, and it doesn't get easier with practice. I not only had to leave my friends behind, but I also have had to adapt to the new environment. To adapt to each new environment, I have had to meet a large number of people and a large variety of people. From the sheer number and the different types of people that I have seen, I have learned much on the nature of an enriching environment.
However I define success, there are always those that won't fit, and those that are beyond my expectations. The body of students that forms a major part of a learning environment will always be incredibly diverse. Although this environment can never be perfect, I can still achieve my definition of success by my own means. From my own experiences I have seen that it is not the environment that shapes a future, but an individual.
problems that I see:
- in the last one I noticed I used the words: "I have" waaaay too many times
1st essay: Good points here and there, but some stuff is worded weirdly. Here are my changes/comments.
Last _____ (add the time you participated because it seems strange to start with "I did this..."), I participated in UNICEF's "Get Reel with Climate Change" competition along with several other teammates. Our goal was to raise youth awareness of climate changes in the International Climate Change Conference. (I changed it because I thought representing a group of people is not really a goal. I might have worded this sentence weird though) In order to raise awareness, we decided to create a video that would briefly cover this topic (something like that)
In brainstorming ideas, we asked many students what their stance was on the issue. The bulk of our time was spent crafting our ideas and the students' ideas into the video's thesis. (I just shortened this "paragraph" cause I felt like the other stuff was unnecessary/structured in a weird way)
We were nationally designated as the first runners up in the competition. Although losing by a hair on a major leadership opportunity discouraged us, we were proud of what we had achieved. From this activity I learned the essence of leadership and the teamwork that it requires . It is the process of social representation to aid in the accomplishment of a common task. (<--- I don't understand this sentence) The social approach that we used is what aided us in our achievement and allowed us to represent the youth. (sentence is in a weird place because you have already moved on to talking about what you have learned. I might be interpreting this sentence wrong, but are you saying that your approach to the video was what led you to "learn the essence of leadership and teamwork"? If so, it needs to be worded differently because it took me a while to understand)
2nd essay: Good answer, but wrong spelling/grammar.
Last year a friend of mine's rejection to Yale made him a statistic - below the seven percent that are accepted. (How do you make someone a statistic? Just say "Last year, my friend was rejected from Yale") At least that is what I thought. I pondered the rejection briefly then flushed it out of my mind; after all, acceptance to Yaleaccepting that Yale was far too high of a target and admittance was nearly inconceivablenearly impossible . This year, however, four of my friends have beenwere admitted to the University of Pennsylvania, two to Stanford, one to MIT, and three to Columbia.
Flabbergasted at the overwhelming amount of acceptances to prestigious institutions, the philosopher in me brought toI began to question my definition of "achievability"what was achievable . What is too difficult? What is impossible? I contemplated these questions every night for many weeks; thinking all the while: had my friend been foolish to apply to Yale? (not sure to fix the grammar in the previous sentence but I don't think you can use semicolon and colon like that) The consensus that I have reached is quite different from my previous mindset of hopelessness.I came to the conclusion thatThere is nothing that is impossible. and only time and determination are needed to achieve. (I dont get this time and determination part.) There is no goal is too high and No attempt is pointless or done in vain. From this I take opportunities and try. (Definitely need to elaborate on 2nd part of the question)
3rd essay: I kind of do yet kind of don't understand this response. The way you worded things is very confusing. Here are my suggestions on how you should change the wording (although I'm not sure if I interpreted your sentences correctly). And yes, you used a lot of "I haves" in this!
- give maybe a sentence or two of background on why you have constantly moved. Maybe something along the lines of "Ever since I was young, my family and I moved many times to accommodate my father's work. As a result, I have attended two different elementary schools and three different high schools." I just made up that background story so it might not be accurate with your life.
- sentence order in first paragraph is weird. first say you attended many different schools. than say something like you thought all this constant school switching would have made it easier for you to adapt, but it hasn't. each time you have had just as hard of a time letting go of your past friends and just as hard of a time making new ones.
- from what I'm reading, it seems as if your challenge is adapting to these new schools. Now how did you overcome this? Your 2nd paragraph doesn't seem to answer that. I don't think its relevant to the prompt.
Sorry if the red and the strikes are kind of confusing! I'm not used to editing on forums >< and I hope I wasn't too harsh. Good luck though :)
and it would be amazing if you could take a look at my common app essay linked below!
thank you so much for you help! It was very useful and certainly needed XD
1st Essay)
representing the youth at the ICCC was what the winning team got after they had made their video. I'm having trouble saying that
and the last sentence I was trying to say that the reason our team was able to to get 2nd place was because of the social approach
2nd Essay)
Statistic's second definition: An event or person regarded as no more than such a piece of data (used to suggest an inappropriately impersonal approach).
other than that, thanks for the help in grammer (lol)
3rd Essay)
I was trying to say that I moved a lot so I know a lot of people and from the lots of people I have seen I think I know a bit about an environment
thanks again for your help and the red and strikes were very helpful
I'll be sure to leave my feedback at your common app within 12 hours
