Hi, I just finished my Apply Texas Topic A essay and I would like some feedback with regards to grammar and perhaps a few suggestions on where I could shorten the essay. Thanks in advance.
Prompt: Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours. Address your initial feelings, and how those feelings were or were not changed by this experience.
Not all people will share your perspective on issues; this was a lesson that I struggled to comprehend for most of my life. As a young child, I was narrow minded and limited in my perspective of the world; I couldn't take the ideas of others seriously and I considered mine to be infallible. In my eyes, I saw myself as the center of the universe and I had elevated myself above the concerns of others. Naturally, this attitude set me at odds with my peers, all of whom I had thoroughly frustrated by my unwillingness to cooperate and work together on assignments and projects. This confrontational attitude of mine persisted for many years until I went on a class trip in the fourth grade.
Surrounded by countless exhibits, historical records, and priceless artifacts, I wandered through the vast halls of the New York Museum of Natural History, straggling behind my class, overwhelmed by the sheer volume of knowledge contained within every fossil, document, and photograph. I felt small, as though I was nothing more than an insignificant speck drifting within an ocean of information. The visit to the museum fostered in me a hunger for knowledge and a desire to understand the world in which I lived in. Each exhibit I visited told me a new story about the world I had taken for granted and allowed me to develop a deeper understanding of the human condition.
Although many of the museum's popular exhibits were crowded, the exhibit that I wanted to see the most was surprisingly empty. The Koch Dinosaur Wing was eerily quiet; the only audible sound heard was the soft drone of the air conditioning unit and the resounding echoes of small feet striking the tile floor with every step. As if in a trance, I walked between each display and soon found myself near what was arguably the most famous fossil in the entire museum; I stood at the feet of the Tyrannosaurus fossil. Though its eyes had long since decomposed, the "tyrant lizard" met my stare with his own. As I observed the fossil, I realized that no matter how powerful the creature was, it could not escape death as an individual and extinction as a species. By comparison, it was the meek mammals who scurried underfoot of the great reptiles and remained unnoticed who survived the K-T extinction event. I immediately realized the parallels between this observation and my own life. As a student, I sought out confrontation and held little more than animosity for the ideas of my classmates, which I often dismissed in favor of my own. I understood that conflict would only bring about my own personal downfall; I had to adopt the ways of the early mammals and choose discretion over indignation. From that moment of brevity onward, I adapted myself to my environment and my classmates while maintaining my point of view.
My next visit was to the massive Hall of Biodiversity which contained over a thousand different models and species of ranging from microorganisms to terrestrial and oceanic giants. The highly detailed replicas and exhibits reflected the sensation that I was truly twenty thousand leagues under the sea or in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest. Perhaps the most striking feature of the Hall was the one hundred foot long "Spectrum of Life", an interactive diagram of the evolutionary journey of every organism that ever lived. As I walked up to the wall, I caught sight of a small sign placed at the beginning of the exhibit; "There are roughly eight million species of organisms on Earth; this wall contains 1500 of them." A simple statistic, but it completely changed my outlook on life. I was one human out of many and one species among millions; my petty wants and desires meant little in the grand scheme of things. Slowly, I started to approach issues holistically; the burden of the world's issues outweighed the sum of my personal concerns.
The sun began to set and the museum crowds started to filter out onto 81st Street. Gazing overhead at the planetary models, I exited through the Rose Center and reflected upon the realizations I had come across that day. I entered the museum as a provincial and arrogant boy who cared only about himself, but I left humbled and open-minded, willing to compromise and work with others. I stepped out onto the sidewalk; the clamor of traffic and the racket of street hawkers peddling their wares juxtaposed with the tranquility of the museum halls. Reality beckoned me to return to the present and leave the past; however, I would never forget the lessons I learned that day.
Hi, I just finished my Apply Texas Topic A essay and I would like some feedback with regards to grammar and perhaps a few suggestions on where I could shorten the essay. Thanks in advance.
Hi Kevin. Listen, I think you misunderstood the prompt. You are being asked to discuss an event concerning people, not an event concerning a place. So although you made some very logical statements in your essay, it did not properly respond to the prompt. Your deviation from the prompt specifics have rendered your statement useless in your application. You can still save it though. Just turn the dinosaurs into people and reformat your content.
Instead of telling the story about how you felt when looking at the exhibits, why not include the tour guide in the story? If you have a tour guide telling you the information about the dinosaurs and the like, you may be able to make that connection to the prompt asking you to "Describe a setting in which you have collaborated or interacted with people whose experiences and/or beliefs differ from yours." In this case, the person will be the tour guide and the different belief, not experience, as neither of you were alive during the time the things on exhibit were alive, will be about how dinosaurs roamed the earth.
You can talk about how the information you learned helped you change the way you viewed yourself as a person and how you learned that while it might be hard for you to do, you need to learn to collaborate with your classmates and friends for one reason or another. By doing this revision to the essay, you won't have to write a totally new essay on the topic. That is, unless you have an interactive experience with a friend or classmate that you can use to better respond to the prompt. Whatever the case, you need to change the way the prompt is written because you did not have any collaborative experience to speak of during the museum visit that could have changed you in a certain way. Remember, the keyword on the essay is people, not mammals, not exhibits. Stick to the prompt requirements as best as you can.
1st paragraph
- Not all people will share your perspective on issues;,
- Naturally, this attitude set me at odds withfrom my peers,
- The visit to the museum fostered in me a hunger in me
Last paragraph
- I stepped out onto the sidewalk;, the clamor
This is very minor remarks I made on your essay, I must say that the only thing that you have to consider is your punctuation marks, a comma can suffice the break that will put a stress on the phrases. A few grammar remarks but overall, everything should be fine and it's a well - written essay.
The reflection you had is absolutely helpful as you face life as a whole person, redefined by the realization you have with life.
Thank you for all your suggestions, I have decided to put aside this essay and incorporate it into another aspect of my application.
Well Kevin, since you decided to incorporate this essay to your other application, bear in mind the following;
- be objective
- know the prompt of your essay and stick to it
- know your subject and just like your prompt, stick to it
- learn or refresh your mind with the language rules
-play with words while keeping in mind the sentence and logical structure of your words or phrases
Most of all, practice writing whenever you can and when you do, post it here on EF so we can help you further.
