I am applying to UW-Madison and they ask for some statements. This one is asking for something that I think goes unnoticed and why it is important. It has to be 500 words or less; I am currently at 525. Any suggestions on cutting, editing, being more descriptive, or flowing smoother into the next paragraph (while shortening) would be helpful... Also, any suggestions on making the ending stronger?
I was working as cashier one day and it had been especially busy. Everybody had their carts full and many coupons; I hardly had a chance to look up. After a long period of 'rush' we had a lull. During this time I had an older gentleman come through my line. After I had finished scanning all of his items, he handed me his saver card. And I noticed his hat. "Vietnam War Veteran" it said.
Now, my parents raised my siblings and I to know that Veterans and members of the military are all heroes. With my brother in the army, I know that it is a huge sacrifice to join and leave your family and loved ones and dedicate at least four years to this country we have the freedom to call home. They give so that we (and people of other countries) can have the freedom to do something as simple as go to the grocery store and pick out and pay for the food that we want.
As I bagged the gentleman's groceries, I thought about the sacrifice he must have made. As he took his items I said, "Sir?" He looked at me. I looked him in the eyes and said, "Thank you for serving and risking your safety for mine." At this, he began to cry. "Thank you so much. Sometimes as I grow older," He continued, "I wonder if what I did was worth it. You see so much pain and death in war and you wonder if it matters that you fought. Well, you just made it worth it again. When young people like you care enough to notice and say something, it means so much." He said this, smiled through his tears, and walked away. I think that moment will stick with me always.
Something that goes unnoticed quite often is generous people and their giving. Everyday people strive to better their area of influence and the people in it. Some people give time, others give resources. Still others give their lives. They give for charity, for a cause they believe in, or merely for another's comfort.
Simple things go unnoticed but can change for the better the day of those involved. Things like giving that veteran thanks for his service and sacrifice to our country and for helping to ensure our safety, may seem very small, but to that veteran, huge and significant. Inviting someone who looks lonely to join your group, offering your time to the sick neighbor, or paying for the elderly lady's groceries in front of you; any of these things have a huge impact.
I think it is important that, most often, these people or acts go unnoticed so that those giving are truly giving from the heart and out of a desire to give, rather than giving to be noticed, appreciated, or to get something in return. When they are noticed, it is all the more special to them, to the receiver, and to those observing.
People who give are important in helping to keep our world safe, friendly, and the people in it, more caring and considerate of others.
(525 words)
Thanks for reading!
~Emily
Hello,
I really like ur statement and it made my heart trembling .
This is just my personal opinion...I think there are lots of repetitions of words (like: huge,and, notice...)and information you can simply cut or edit.
For ex: 1)With my brother in the army, I know that it is a huge sacrifice to join and leave your family and loved ones and dedicate at least four years to this country we have the freedom to call home....i can suggest...With my brother in the army, I know that it is a huge sacrifice to join and leave the loved ones;to dedicate at least....
2) Things like giving that veteran thanks for his service and sacrifice to our country and for helping to ensure our our safety, may seem very small, but significant to that veteran, huge and significant.
3)...any of these things have a huge considerable impact.
4)I think it is important a problem of today that, most often, these such people orand their acts go unnoticed so that those giving are truly giving from the heart and out of a desire to give , rather than giving to be noticed, appreciated, or to get something in return. When they their deeds are noticedvisible/evident , it is all the more special to them, to the receiver, and to those observing.
here is an example of how you could cut down words, and keep things concise:
I was working as a cashier one especially busy day. With loaded carts, and arms heavy with coupons, my eyes rarely had a chance to glance up.
