Topic: "For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life
Believe it or not, just recently the guiding philosophy behind FSU has greatly been reflective in my life. Entering the yearly competition of becoming the Youth of the Year pulls Vires, Artes and Mores out of you in an instant. In that moment, My heart is racing and my palms are sweating, each step I take towards the auditorium. It feels like my feet are getting heavier. Opening the door, chatter fills my ears; one girl says" I know i am going to win" another, "This competition is a piece of cake." Suddenly, the bundle of confidence I did have faded as I took a gander at my fellow nominees. As I took a seat I became a part of the Regional Youth of the Year Competition. Sitting there nervously I wanted to have the expected confidence, pride and certainty in myself but for some reason I was holding back. Then my ""success concusious" started creeping from the back of my head. Holding back is not going to get me anywhere in life; its especially not going to win me the honorable yet prestige title, so with that in mind I sprang from my seat and approached the podium. At the podium a huge rush entered my body, the courage and confidence I was looking for overcame me, instantaneously. The speech I prepared did not seem adequate enough for this moment although I practiced the two page speech everyday in my mirror, the words clogged in my throat. With a deep breath and a quick prayer I began my speech from the heart. From the look of the audience I can tell I was making a impact, not knowing whether it was good or bad I was still satisfied. Finished, I simply stepped down from the podium
WOW, I am also applying to FSU. What a coincidence~ Anyway here's my advice:
Comments: you should check punctuation and grammar. I think I caught all the verb tense mistakes though I suggest you review it just in case.
The topic seems really good. I feel bad because now as I look back on my essay, I can't even remmeber what I wrote. I invite you to read and comment on mine as well~ though you're not obligated to do so.
Hi Deidre Bates,
I read through your essay, and then I read the many comments and suggestions that Marisa left for you. I am not going to be redundant and repeat the same suggestions, but I do need to tell you that your essay comprises a very short period of time in your life -- actually -- from the time you got up one day and the moment you stepped down from the podium in the auditorium on that same day. You really need to discuss the three attributes that the personnel at FSU are asking you to discuss, and not just a moment in your history. I hope I am making myself clear to you. I also echo Marisa's comments and suggestions that she made for you.
What do the three attributes mean to you with regard to your desire to enter FSU? Describe each one of them in detail, keeping a paragraph open for each one of them. From there, you can build your essay. Try it. Make an outline of what you want to say and then re-work your essay to those guidelines. I think that you will find that making an outline really helps when writing!
Good Luck!
Mark :)
